Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hour-Glass

So it's come to my attention that I haven't written on this little 'thingy' in some time now. I believe writing can express how you are feeling. But it's funny even writing on this damn blog right now, doesn't help me escape. I feel as if this whole summer so far, I have been stuck in an hourglass. I can't get out.. and when I feel as if there is a positive and new change about to happen, I get turned over and I'm stuck once again.

I cannot even describe how I'm feeling. I'm just blah. And I've been blah for a very long time. I hang out with one person, that's pretty much it. She understands me though, that's the good thing about it. When I hang out with her, I feel happier. I wish this change I was hoping for, would've happened a while ago. I just want someone to come and break me free.

People probably think when reading this, that I sound like a completely big downer. And maybe I am. But I feel as though I have the right to be. Yes, I just aced one of my summer classes, but math scores keep pulling me down. My older brother is having his first child, which I should be completely thrilled about. But yet my family is completely falling to pieces. Pieces that I realized I cannot glue back together. It's not up to me too. I am only 22 years old for God's sake. People around me always say, "Oh I'm so sorry. I'm here if you need someone." YES, good heavens, I need someone. Pull me out of this trance I've been in for far too long now. Give me some sort of answer or clarity!! PLEASE.

Until then, all I have are my words, my thoughts, and my frustrations. Sadly, even my beliefs are slowly draining away. It's funny I watched Titanic the other day, and I feel exactly like Rose does when she says, "I feel like I'm in a room full of people, and I'm screaming and no one can here me." That's exactly how I feel. Finally, of course a fictional character understands me. Then I saw My Sister's Keeper. Incredible movie, depressing as hell, but incredible all the same. I realized sometimes we can't have control, as much as we would like to. And we have to sometimes just let go. So that's what I'm going to start doing, I'm going to "let go".

One thing that will never change is my hope. Because without hope, you have nothing.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Change


So I just got my hair done, and I know it's stupid but after I got it done I just feel happier. Anytime you make a change, big or small, it impacts your life. Sometimes when the world is falling down around you, it's the little things like getting your hair done, that make it all worth while. So that you can get out of bed again and actually be excited for the day.


I think sometimes we as humans, look at only the negative. But even though when things are really hard, it's a good idea to look at all the good things you have in your life. And all the things you are thankful for. I feel like when you can make a horrible situation not so bad, then it will give you strength for the days to come.


Michael J Fox wrote a book called Always Looking Up, and it's about looking at challenges in your life as opportunities. I'm looking forward to reading this book and I am going to have my family read it. I think by seeing the good in life, can be a medicine all in itself.


xoxo.

Monday, April 27, 2009

CB


Ohhhhhhh how I have a crush on Chuck Bass. Good God he's sexy. Yup, that's all haha!! Geeze how I love Gossip Girl.
xoxo.
PS: Chuck & Blair forever!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Pi Beta Phi

So I'm a Pi Phi - PC 07' Ya, we are the best :) And lately I feel like I have taken Pi Phi for granted. I know my whole heart hasn't been in it, and I'm sorry to say that I was starting to think I didn't want to be apart of it anymore. But I went to Founder's Day today, and it reminded me of why I joined in the first place. Seeing all the cute little old ladies get up and talk about how special it was to them, even after all those years, really touched me. I started saying Pi Phi wasn't giving anything back, and honestly that's not true. It has showed me that I can be an independent person, and I am a great girl!! I was always the shy girl in high school, and Pi Phi has really helped me get out of my shell. One of the things I am most thankful for, is the friendships I have made within my chapter. These girls are so amazing, and I love them all. I have made some really close friends and I don't know what I would do without them. They have been there for me so much, and I know we will be friends forever. Pi Phi has also helped me keep my grades good. School is important, and that's why I'm in college in the first place. Pi Phi has made being in college a better experience. I'm not just a number at the University of Utah. People actually say hi and know me! If I hadn't joined Pi Phi I wouldn't have had these connections with everyone. Our house has had some trouble, but we owe it to the founders, the alumni, and us to make this house what it should be!! So Pi Phi... I love you, and thank you.

xoxo.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Fate

So... I'm watching this movie French Kiss, and it is so romantic. The main girl Kate goes to France to get her fiancee back. But while she is there she has the worst of luck, and she meets this charming crook and he smuggles this diamond necklace in her bag. He tries to get it out, but can't succeed. But over time he starts falling for her, and he agrees to help her get her fiancee back. And she wins. Her fiancee does what her back, but she realizes they weren't meant together. Story gone short, she ends up with the crook, and they start this vineyard together, happily ever after. I love every minute of that movie. It seriously makes me want to go on some adventure, and to meet someone totally unexpectant, and to fall head over hills in love.

Love. Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic. But I find nothing wrong with that! I have had boyfriends and dated a lot, but have never been truly, deeply, in love. I thought at a time I was, but even if you have to question if you are in love or not, I don't think it's real. Sometimes I get sad thinking that I will never find someone like that. But then I watch movies like this, and instead of getting all sad thinking of what I don't have, I get truly excited. People always say that love happens when you least expect it too, and I believe it. Too bad I'm always trying so hard not to expect it, that I'm still expecting it. Ha! But I am a huge believer in fate. I do believe that we meet certain people in our lives for a reason. And that we do have a significant other out there, each one of us. And even if people fall in love, and it results in a divorce, that's okay. My parents got a divorce, but that didn't mean that they weren't meant to meet. My mom always says the best part of being with my dad was bringing me into this world. It's all apart of God's plan.

So never regret your past relationships, or the pain you feel over someone. Even as much as it hurts, it's a good lesson for us. It helps you learn what went wrong, and understand that that person wasn't the person you were supposed to end up with.

I don't know, I just love watching movies like that, or reading books that gives you inspiration! It helps keep you going. And I know without a doubt that my Mr. Right is out there, we just haven't met yet!!!

xoxo.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Broken


Why do I feel so helpless?
I cannot pick you up when you fall.
Seeing your strength melt away.
Your sadness washes your happiness away.
Wishing I could put your pieces back together.
Fitting them like a puzzle.
Making you whole again.
But they will no longer fit as one.
You are broken.
Will my prayers reach to you in time?
No one can know for sure.
But one thing is certain,
You are broken.
At a time you held your head high.
You were proud.
And you were strong.
The bravest one of all.
But our life has shattered.
You are broken.
Once you held me way up high.
High enough to touch the sky.
You were the glue that kept us going.
Finally we smiled from your touch.
But those happiness is gone.
The tears are here.
For it will never be the same.
You are broken.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Unknown


So this blog post is going to be completely random, but oh well. I want every ones opinion. I am currently obsessed with the show Paranormal State. It's on A&E and I love it!! It's this group of kids from Penn State University and they created a group called PRS. They go to different places in the USA and help with these different cases.

I watch this and I really am so interested with the paranormal unknown. My religion doesn't really believe in "ghosts" but I believe in spirits, and sometimes they linger walking the earth for 40 days.

It's funny that I can be interested in something that scares me so much. I love watching scary movies and reading scary stories. But yet I wont go into haunted houses. But when I say haunted houses I mean the ones at Halloween where people jump out at you, I hate that for some reason. But I have gone to haunted places that are real. Like the old Primary Children's hospital, grave yards, Hemotep's grave, and more!! I just find it truly fascinating.

I don't really have any scary stories but I have heard some with Ouija boards and saonces. I will never ever use a Ouija board, because I believe whatever you are messing with, cannot be something good.

Where do you all stand on this? Do you believe that their are spirits or ghosts among us? Are you afraid? Do you have any good scary stories??

xoxo.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Spring


April showers... bring May flowers!! I sure hope so. I actually really love the rain. Much more than snow!! I kissed someone in the rain once, but it wasn't as great as they make it out to be. Probably because the guy wasn't someone I loved or anything. You know what I love most about Spring? The colors!! It's like a rainbow in itself. All the green, the flowers, the sky. I just love it! And my Dad's and one of my brother's birthdays are in April, then mine is in May. So it's really fun. And another thing I love about spring is that it's not too cold, yet not too hot. It's just right!! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love summer. But it gets so hot, especially here in Utah!! And Winter, ew.. Way too cold. And I'm definitely sick of the cold. I feel like Winter lingers ono into Spring, and it needs to just go away! Christmas time is when I like snow and in January. But after that, no more please! Today is pretty cold outside, I'm afraid it's going to snow after that beautiful sunny warm spring day we had just a couple of days ago. As long as it stays rainy I'm alright with that. Even though I did want to go to a Bees baseball game today. Oh well, there will be plenty of days to go to the games. Well I hope spring is here to stay sometime very, very soon!!
xoxo.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Done.

Angry. Frustrated. Alone. Sad. Done. Broken.

Do you ever feel like your best isn't good enough? Well that's how I have been feeling lately. Especially today. I get so mad when I feel like this. It happens a lot too... you think I'd get over this feeling by now. But right now it feels like I'm trying to put up this happy front when really I'm more broken then ever. School is really taking it's toll on me as of now. Today have worked so hard on this paper for my class. And I read the teacher's directions again for the paper, and I realize I got some of the wrong books. And my interview was supposed to be an observation at their facility. Good think it's due tomorrow too. I have worked for almost a week on this paper, and now I know I will get a shitty grade on it. I hate being the downer, believe me. But it's happened in the past. You work so hard for something, and it gets thrown back in your face. How is that fair? What ever happened to trying your best? Well this is my best!! And I'm sick of it never being enough. Well I'm honestly done. And now I'm not just talking about school. There is a lot of shit going on lately and quite frankly I'm rather sick of it. I'm sick of people lying to me and being fake. Why is it so damn hard to be real? I keep being there for people, time and time again. When is someone really going to be there for me? I have been going through a lot of family problems lately too. And I know of like three people that have been there for me. Where are all of my other friends? Oh right, they care about themselves, unless they are going through shit, then they come back to you. Well not anymore. I won't put up with it. I'm sorry this is probably a lot of rage in one post, but that's the point of this blogger right? To put into words how you feel. Well this is how I feel people. And if you don't like it well I'm sorry. But I'm done.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Mask

What would you do for a friend in need? My answer would be: anything. My friends are one of the most important people in my life. And I would do anything for them, anytime or anywhere.
One of my friends has gone through a hard time. It's hard when you try to do all you can for a person, and people knock your progress to the ground. We only have one life, and my question is, that I have to ask even myself is: Who do you want to be remembered as? If it's being a manipulative ass- then keep it up, some people are doing a fantastic job, but maybe it will be being a person that puts other's needs before their own. Is that necessarily right though? It's how I've lived my entire life. I have always cared, maybe too much about others. And it's funny because someone who cares about others you would think would be treated wonderfully. (Ya right..) You get walked on being that person. I've seen it my whole life, and I've been through it my whole life. But let me say this, I won't change who I am because I can honestly say I really love who I am. I am me, and I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't wear a mask like some people love to hide behind. Being me, I can finally now say, IS enough. And if people have to walk over people like that to get where they need to be, then walk on. But figure out who you want to be in this life, and go out there and make a difference. Don't just hide away in your mask. Take it off, and go actually live your life.

Ha yea, sorry for the rant. But sometimes you have to get it off your chest!!

xoxo.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Express With Words


I feel like I have always had a way with words. It's the best way I can express who I am.
Using a blog will be my way of expressing myself and expressing my feelings and emotions.
live.laugh.love
xoxo.