Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hour-Glass

So it's come to my attention that I haven't written on this little 'thingy' in some time now. I believe writing can express how you are feeling. But it's funny even writing on this damn blog right now, doesn't help me escape. I feel as if this whole summer so far, I have been stuck in an hourglass. I can't get out.. and when I feel as if there is a positive and new change about to happen, I get turned over and I'm stuck once again.

I cannot even describe how I'm feeling. I'm just blah. And I've been blah for a very long time. I hang out with one person, that's pretty much it. She understands me though, that's the good thing about it. When I hang out with her, I feel happier. I wish this change I was hoping for, would've happened a while ago. I just want someone to come and break me free.

People probably think when reading this, that I sound like a completely big downer. And maybe I am. But I feel as though I have the right to be. Yes, I just aced one of my summer classes, but math scores keep pulling me down. My older brother is having his first child, which I should be completely thrilled about. But yet my family is completely falling to pieces. Pieces that I realized I cannot glue back together. It's not up to me too. I am only 22 years old for God's sake. People around me always say, "Oh I'm so sorry. I'm here if you need someone." YES, good heavens, I need someone. Pull me out of this trance I've been in for far too long now. Give me some sort of answer or clarity!! PLEASE.

Until then, all I have are my words, my thoughts, and my frustrations. Sadly, even my beliefs are slowly draining away. It's funny I watched Titanic the other day, and I feel exactly like Rose does when she says, "I feel like I'm in a room full of people, and I'm screaming and no one can here me." That's exactly how I feel. Finally, of course a fictional character understands me. Then I saw My Sister's Keeper. Incredible movie, depressing as hell, but incredible all the same. I realized sometimes we can't have control, as much as we would like to. And we have to sometimes just let go. So that's what I'm going to start doing, I'm going to "let go".

One thing that will never change is my hope. Because without hope, you have nothing.