Sunday, November 28, 2010

Trapped

Ugh. I wasn't going to talk about this, I usually hide it up with words like "tragedy," or other things... but sometimes you need to let it out. That's what blogs are for right? To let your emotions out. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to hold anything back.

Do you ever feel like you are on a rollercoaster with emotions? I do. Quite frequently too if you ask me. I feel like this last year has been so hard and I have to wake up trying to be happy. I know when tragedy hits your life things change; I get that I do. There is the quote that, "God gives you as much as you can handle," well honestly, my family has reached the limit. Yet it is amusing because bad things keep happening. I feel like I'm a wine glass balancing on a board and I'm about to topple over any minute. One harsh word or action will shatter me... I'm a lot more sensitive these days and get hurt feelings from ridiculous situations that shouldn't make me feel that way, but they do. I just want to be fully happy again. I don't want to feel this empty void that's inside of me anymore. I know it's not fun to be around, but I feel like people are selfish a lot of the time. Put yourself in my shoes for just a second please... imagine your life is perfect. You have an amazing family, house, pets, material items etc. Wasn't always like that though, you had to work for that... try your hardest from the ground up. But you did it. You made it like that. Then one day something happens that's very unsettling. It throws off the balance you have known your whole life and everything dramatically changes for the worse. It just keeps happening and doesn't stop spiraling out of control. Finally you find out that your step-dad, your rock, is dying from a disease called, "ALS." My family is in tears, saying, "Why? Why us? Why now? Was it our fault because everything was good for so long." Of course I have no idea what ALS is, so I google it. Worst choice ever. I have figured out that the internet doesn't hold anything back. It gives answers, doesn't care if it hurts your feelings. If you want the brutal truth about something; look it up. Well I did, and it shattered me. The first thing I see about it is that it's called "Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis," better known as, "Lou Gehrig's disease." And the big word that flashes infront of me is, "incurable." In that moment the stable life I once had was gone, and since then we have been balancing for any normalcy. It hasn't happened. In fact, things just keep getting worse. Now try watching someone you have known your whole life, your rock, die in front of you, because that's what has happened every single day for the past two years. I know it's getting closer to the end, but I don't know how much more me and my mother can take. She is so strong and I don't understand how. I don't feel strong in all of this; I never had. She has been there for him through everything, and it's not easy for a woman to take care of someone who has ALS. They lose all their muscles and decline, decline and decline. A month ago my step dad could talk, he can't anymore. A year ago he could walk with cane, now he's in a wheel chair until his final days. He can't move anything: not his hands, feet, head, nothing. Imagine not being able to scratch your own face when you feel an itch. He is utterly "trapped" in his own body and there is nothing we can do for him. Absolutely nothing. It's a horrible feeling. He's not the only one who feels trapped. I feel trapped in my life, my emotions, the memories of how our family used to be. I have made a lot of mistakes in the last year, a lot that I regret. I don't know why haven't been thinking clearly about consequences, and I think that that's the point; I can't think clearly anymore. My mind is foggy and out of bounds. Maybe that's how it will be from now on.

People say, "It will be okay once he's gone. You have people that love you and will be there for you." Yes, that's great, thanks. But the point is that what about these past two years that I have seen someone dying, suffering, in front of me. Do I get that back? What about the pain my mom has been through watching the person she loved more than anything die? She couldn't save him. Our miracle never came. The utter honesty that makes it the hardest is the fact that my parent, father, has died. He won't see me graduate. He won't walk me down the aisle at my wedding like I always wanted him to, he won't see my children grow up... they won't even know this man. This man that truly saved me and my mom. He gave me such a wonderful life by working as hard as he did, and for that I will always be grateful. Yes, I still have my real father, but my step-dad has been around since I was really little. We are very close.

I pray that one day my family can be happy again and normal in a different kind of way. I hope that one day my faith will come back as fully as it was before. I wish that others won't take anything for granted, because you don't know when it will be lost. Because I think I did.

Until then, I'll keep holding my head up high and "acting" like I'm okay. That's the only way to move forward. But the reality is that I'm trapped, trying to break free.

xo.

7 comments:

  1. Cant' say I know how you feel. But I wish you the best and hopefully things look up.

    I gave you an award by the way too...
    http://dudeinthemilehigh.blogspot.com/2010/11/award.html

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  2. you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. ALS is an incredibly cruel disease and i can only imagine how heartbreaking it is to see someone you love so much suffer. you and your mother sound like you are being very strong and caring for your father and unfortunately that is the best thing you can do for him. my best friends family priest got ALS and my friends parents took him into their home and took care of him. she said it was one of the hardest things her mother has ever had to do. your father is so lucky to have a selfless and caring family to be with him. i have faith that you will be happy again one day and as awful as this experience is now, thank God that you and your mother have each other. i hope you were able to enjoy your thanksgiving, and i wish you and your family the very best. xoxo jcd

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  3. You're in my thoughts sweetheart. I can't imagine what your going through, but the suffering and pain you feel will eventually subside. Keep your head up and get through the days.. find the positive in the little things and make the best of what you can. Your family is in my thoughts and remember that this is your blog.. it's your place to vent. We're all here for you so let us listen.

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  4. Stay strong sweetheart! So proud of you for being able to write about this, I can hardly imagine how difficult that must have been. Lindsey is right, we are here to listen to you and support you. You may not get these horrible two years of your life back, but you still have a long and beautiful life ahead of you, and I know you will be happy again. Your family is in my prayers always.
    xo

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  5. I'm sorry for your pain. There are no words to change this tragedy. The best thing you can do is be honest with your feelings and get them out. All the best to you and your family in this difficult time.

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  6. I was almost in tears when I read this post. I cant say I know how you feel--because I've never had to experience something like this. I can only imagine...I will definitely be keeping you and your family in my prayers. As long as you have God by your side--you won't feel trapped or hopeless. He will give you all you need to be strong..for you and your stepdad!

    Take Care! :)

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  7. Ryan - Thank you so much for giving me that award. Means a lot... as well as your comment!! Take care. xoxo.

    Jillian - Thank you for your comment. So you know first hand what this disease is like. It's so hard to try an dexplain it to anyone. No on truly understands how horrific it is until you see it in action. Thanks again for your kind words & that's amazing that your parent's friends took the priest into their house. That's the most selfless act I've heard in a long time. Truly amazing. xo.

    LindseyLove - Your post meant a lot to me... honestly. I will definitely keep my head and look for all the good things in my life. And thanks for listening! xo.

    Rach - As always, your comments always brighten my day. I really appreciate it! Yesterday was a bad day... but talk with you helped in all the little ways. So glad we are FB friends too :) And you are completely right: I may not get those two years back.. but I do have a long life ahead... I'm going to stop taking that for granted. xoxo.

    JoJo - Thank you for the comment!!You are totally right about letting your feelings come out and feel what you need to feel. Holding emotions in is never good.. you could explode at any moment. Thanks again. xo.

    Jet-Setting Divas - Thanks so much for the lovely comment! Sorry you were almost in tears!! I need to let God back into my life fully; I think for a while I was angry and shunned the religious part of me away, but I need to let it all the way back in so I can feel the comfort once more. Thanks so much for the comment! xo.

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