Saturday, January 22, 2011

Bittersweet

So this weekend has been pretty great so far (which I'll talk about more in my next post)... can't complain, only to say that I'm always so sad when my older bro, my sister-in-law, and two adorable nephews go back to Idaho. They have been here since Wednesday - so it was a long vacation on their part. It was definitely a bitter-sweet trip though. My older brother comes mainly to see my step-dad, who is his real father. It was a little hard this time because my step-dad Greg is doing really bad... so having children run around and what not didn't help the anxiety. So the boys and Colette (sis-in-law) aren't coming again till he's probably gone. Watching her say goodbye to Greg was so emotional - even when my older brother Cameron was saying bye, I shed some tears. You never know when the last time you are going see someone... it could end for any of us at anytime. Certain situations in life really don't make sense, no matter how hard you try. I think overall this disease is honestly taking it's toll on all of us, especially my mom. She used to laugh and smile... and I never see that anymore. I don't expect her to be happy right now, but I hate morning 24/7. No one is dead yet and I don't want to live as if that were true. We are supposed to spending this time with one another confessing feelings and be around each other doing special things... but we don't. However, we did spend some time as a family when my brother was in town. But it's just different. Yes, Greg has had this disease for 2 years now, a very rough two years, but only as of late have I noticed something different. He has gotten worse, but that's not what I'm referring too. I feel like my step-dad is completely gone. There isn't any trace of him in the body that sits in that wheelchair. Day after day he stares at the TV while my mom feeds him in his feeding tube. He used to smile at some funny remark on Seinfeld, or show me in his face that he was proud of me, but that special flicker is gone. It's like he already has died. The hardest part of this disease is watching him suffer. Last night he was screaming in his room because his legs were cramping up so bad. I can't even imagine not being able to move at all. All you do is lie there and that's it. He can barely move his finger tips now. I feel bad because I'm getting tired of it all. I want it to end. How heartless is that? He is my father and I love him - but this is physically and mentally draining me and my mom. I need a change. Something good. As you can see in my last post I was as positive as can be. It felt amazing, better than that -extraordinary... but it didn't last. Living in my house right now, sucks that light right out of you and I'm beginning to hate it here. My brother gets to escape back to Idaho while I'm confined within these walls. Sure I go out with friends and go shopping... basically do my thing... but the moment you step foot back into this house you feel the walls caving in on you. I'm suffocating.

Sorry for the depressing rant. I hate going on and on about all of this... but you need to let it out. My mom holds it in and finally today she burst! She started yelling at my brother and all he did was hug her; she then broke down in his arms saying she wasn't okay and didn't want to lose the love of her life. All I can do is be there for my family; even if it feels impossible at times.

It's a bittersweet situation, but that's life. Not everything goes our way and that's alright I suppose. You learn from it all. That's what life is: a learning process. But you are supposed to feel happiness and joy. You are supposed to wake up and be excited for the upcoming day! I want to get back to that point and I'm trying desperately to get to that destination. It won't be easy, but I'll achieve it... one way or another.

I hope you are all enjoying your Saturday night - I feel like I've become such a dud!! I don't ever go out anymore... the sad thing is, I don't mind it. A lot of people have stopped texting and calling me, but I wish people would step into my shoes every once and a while. I'm sure they would re-evaluate their life as well.

xo.

7 comments:

  1. Wow, Jess. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this all is for you and your family.

    I don't think you wanting it to end is heartless at all! Your step-dad is in pain, and your entire family is suffering immensely. I bet every single one of you wants it to end, including your step-dad. (I think I remember you saying that he told you he wanted to die.) This topic is so sensitive, as life and death issues are so personal to people. But like I said, you are not heartless for wanting the suffering of your family to end.

    Jess, just the fact that you are still living with your family--supporting your mom--that says so much about your character. I know you feel like everyone would do the same if it were their family. But, I've provided care for ALS clients and I know 1st hand that not everyone is as strong as you and your mother. You two are amazing women for everything that you have done and continue to do for your step-father, and for each other.

    This really sucks, Jess. I don't blame you for feeling like a dud. You are in my prayers, big time.

    Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. Hang in there. And please know, you are truly an inspiration (:

    *Trisha*

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  2. o jess, i am so sorry all of this is happening. you are such a strong person and you have been soooo incredibly strong for your mother and step-dad. i can online imagine how painful it has been these past two years to see him getting sicker and sicker. you are NOT heartless to want him to stop suffering though. it will all come to an end and things will be different, just try to stay strong and be there for your mom. i can see that this experience is already having a major impact on your life (how could it not) and you will see the value of life and how fragile it is.

    stay strong, stay positive and try to focus on the good things. as for those friends who dont call or text anymore to go out don't worry about them-- your priorities have changed and eventually they will catch up and grow uptoo.

    you and our family are in my thoughts and prayers.
    xoxo jcd

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  3. You wanting it to end is not rude or selfish! If he could get better and be the way he used to be, you would rather have that happen then him be gone. Plus, when he is gone, he won't be suffering anymore. Has cliche as that is, it is true. Ya, I am sure it will be hard at first, especially for your mother, but it will be a weight lifted off of everyone's shoulders and that isn't a bad thing. You and your family are in my thoughts!

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  4. Jessica...I am so sorry you are going through a hard time right now, that is so awful and I can't even imagine. You have every reason in the world to rant and to be upset, because the position you are in is not easy. I agree that this should be a time for your family to cherish one another and just love, but I am sure that must be hard when there is so much sadness. Keep your head up- everything will be okay and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog as well. Take care!

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  5. Your family is so lucky to have you Jess! There is nothing wrong about the feelings you have towards your father-he is suffering beyond belief and it is not heartless of you for wishing it would be over. Your family is so lucky to have you there for them, especially your mom. She must be one strong lady. Shame on your friends for abandoning you in your time of need, but if all they want to do is go out and party, you don't need them anyways. You have people who truly love you from all over the country, which many people don't. Hang in there sweetie, and will keep your family in my prayers.

    xoxo always

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  6. I was going to ride on the coattails of what the other commenters were saying until I saw this on your page: "God never said life would be easy. He just promised it would be worth it." And that is so true, and it's something you just need a reminder of. Soon, your dad will be HOME. Just hold on to that little notion. He will be healthy and happy and loved and he will be able to share that with you, although not in a tangible form- you will know it.

    But your feelings are what makes you *human*. And if we had everything we needed here, we wouldn't have any desire left to go There. So you keep doin what you're doin girl-- keep on helpin your momma and crying when you need to. And remember to love your daddy and give as much of yourself as you can so that he can take that with him.

    love you new bloggy friend <3
    Your family is in my prayers.

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  7. Jess, I love and miss you and wish I could be there for you -- and go on random car rides listening to crappy music REALLY LOUD from 10th grade. I can't imagine what you're going through, I mean, I thought losing my cat was hard enough. I felt numb and dead inside and like a part of me left because I loved him so much. But, that's a cat.

    Anyway -- my best friend from NJ, her younger brother passed away from cancer last year (as you might remember me mentioning it once or twice) and when I saw him in the hospital 3 months before he finally went, he really was a dead body with a heart still beating. It's horrible to say any of this but honestly, sometimes letting them suffer is worse and letting them just go without medicine or any hook up's is better for everyone in the end. My friends brother was suffering for over 2 years too and in the end, of course you're going to think, "did we do the best we could?" but you cant say that or think you didnt anything wrong. It's life.

    I'd love for you to come out here one day this year and come to the beach with me and just relax. You're welcome any day of the year. I'm going to TRY to come to SLC sometime this summer but we'll see.


    XOXO

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