So this weekend has been pretty great so far (which I'll talk about more in my next post)... can't complain, only to say that I'm always so sad when my older bro, my sister-in-law, and two adorable nephews go back to Idaho. They have been here since Wednesday - so it was a long vacation on their part. It was definitely a bitter-sweet trip though. My older brother comes mainly to see my step-dad, who is his real father. It was a little hard this time because my step-dad Greg is doing really bad... so having children run around and what not didn't help the anxiety. So the boys and Colette (sis-in-law) aren't coming again till he's probably gone. Watching her say goodbye to Greg was so emotional - even when my older brother Cameron was saying bye, I shed some tears. You never know when the last time you are going see someone... it could end for any of us at anytime. Certain situations in life really don't make sense, no matter how hard you try. I think overall this disease is honestly taking it's toll on all of us, especially my mom. She used to laugh and smile... and I never see that anymore. I don't expect her to be happy right now, but I hate morning 24/7. No one is dead yet and I don't want to live as if that were true. We are supposed to spending this time with one another confessing feelings and be around each other doing special things... but we don't. However, we did spend some time as a family when my brother was in town. But it's just different. Yes, Greg has had this disease for 2 years now, a very rough two years, but only as of late have I noticed something different. He has gotten worse, but that's not what I'm referring too. I feel like my step-dad is completely gone. There isn't any trace of him in the body that sits in that wheelchair. Day after day he stares at the TV while my mom feeds him in his feeding tube. He used to smile at some funny remark on Seinfeld, or show me in his face that he was proud of me, but that special flicker is gone. It's like he already has died. The hardest part of this disease is watching him suffer. Last night he was screaming in his room because his legs were cramping up so bad. I can't even imagine not being able to move at all. All you do is lie there and that's it. He can barely move his finger tips now. I feel bad because I'm getting tired of it all. I want it to end. How heartless is that? He is my father and I love him - but this is physically and mentally draining me and my mom. I need a change. Something good. As you can see in my last post I was as positive as can be. It felt amazing, better than that -extraordinary... but it didn't last. Living in my house right now, sucks that light right out of you and I'm beginning to hate it here. My brother gets to escape back to Idaho while I'm confined within these walls. Sure I go out with friends and go shopping... basically do my thing... but the moment you step foot back into this house you feel the walls caving in on you. I'm suffocating.
Sorry for the depressing rant. I hate going on and on about all of this... but you need to let it out. My mom holds it in and finally today she burst! She started yelling at my brother and all he did was hug her; she then broke down in his arms saying she wasn't okay and didn't want to lose the love of her life. All I can do is be there for my family; even if it feels impossible at times.
It's a bittersweet situation, but that's life. Not everything goes our way and that's alright I suppose. You learn from it all. That's what life is: a learning process. But you are supposed to feel happiness and joy. You are supposed to wake up and be excited for the upcoming day! I want to get back to that point and I'm trying desperately to get to that destination. It won't be easy, but I'll achieve it... one way or another.
I hope you are all enjoying your Saturday night - I feel like I've become such a dud!! I don't ever go out anymore... the sad thing is, I don't mind it. A lot of people have stopped texting and calling me, but I wish people would step into my shoes every once and a while. I'm sure they would re-evaluate their life as well.