Saturday, January 8, 2011

Honest Scrap Award

"Jess, over at Live Laugh Love. She's truly honest, about life, how she's feeling, things she's struggling with. It's hard NOT to connect with her because she doesn't hide the things that make her human. She expresses them. I like that."

These kind words are from Trisha at Pretty Pink Pearl - she actually gave me the "Honest Scrap Award." Thanks so much girl, it means a lot what you said and your post when you received this award... well it blew my mind. you are amazing. Thanks again.
Okay... so now that I have this award, I need to get honest. Honesty can sometimes be a hard thing to admit to others; you hold it inside sometimes and don't want to share. But I'm going to.

2010 wasn't an easy year for me, for a number of reasons. Most of the reasons everyone has heard has been about my step-dad and his incurable disease ALS, but there were other things that added on the stress to my life and the lives of others. I made a lot of mistakes last year, a lot that I'm definitely not proud of to say the least... but I think that you learn from those mistakes and you grow. Some of these things I'm not really open to share because they are extremely personal and like I said, not proud of myself at all for making them... but here are some other things that make up who I am and a little bit of honesty worthy of this award:

I believe in fate. Completely. Utterly. Hopefully. I believe things happen for a reason... even if you cannot explain them. I have never been in love. I told my ex once that I "loved" him, but it was a lie. It was lust. Nothing more, nothing less. It was over a year relationship off and on again... so it was just to say I suppose, but I'm still sad I said it when I didn't mean it. I want to fall in love so badly. Feel like everyone around me has someone and I don't. I know that's stupid because a lot of people don't... but everyone I went to high school with are having their second baby now!! It's not that I want to be having children right now, but I would like to have a relationship. Everyone says "wait, it will happen when you least expect it..." Okay. I believe that. I respect that even, but every time I enter a relationship, I get screwed over in the end. It makes things difficult. I don't want to shut my heart off, but it's a little hard when you are cheated on, and the guy doesn't want to "commit" to you. Is it honestly that hard to find someone who treats you like you deserve? I see all you beautiful ladies who are my followers and I follow you... and a lot of you have what looks like the perfect relationship - that makes me jealous, but I know you all work for it, it doesn't just happen effortlessly. When will it be my turn? I'm a good person... I really want to find that love. True love. The one that is selfless. I want that guy that will open his heart to me, and be there for me through thick and thin. Who will love me for all my imperfections and see the good in me. But it's hard to believe that sometimes; I'm afraid. I will not shut my heart off like I said... but I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to take - and that scares me... a lot. I feel like I'll shatter the next time, and what if I fall in love for the first time and I get hurt like really bad? I try to be strong a lot of the time, but it definitely takes it toll on you mentally and physically. Sometimes I'm scared that I'll just break down all together and I'll never be back to the way I used to be... pretty much how things feel at least. My mom and I are at our breaking point as I write this. Living with someone who is dying isn't easy and seeing him get only worse daily doesn't exactly help things, if anything it's as if the scale is tipping over. I don't want to remember my step-father like this, but it's starting to cloud over my memory. That scares me. I also worry about someday leaving my mom. I really want to move to Oregon after I graduate; probably won't be around next fall though, but the thought of leaving her hurts my heart above everything else. Yes, of course someday I would've left her, but the thought of leaving her now when she'll be a widow is different. Leaving her feels almost criminal in my opinion. I need to be there for my family, but at the same time, I'll be 24 in May... I want to start living my own life. Sometimes I get scared that my dreams won't come true. Not trying to be a downer, just "honest." Sure I'm writing this novel, and I want to be published, but what if it never happens? What if in the end, my work isn't good enough? I just want to make the most of my life, especially seeing how precious life truly is. I'll take baby steps daily - I just hope things really turn out for the best. I've been given second chances, and I want to make the most of those; not take anything for granted, just wish fate would help me out :) So there you have it... I'm scared a lot of the time, never been in love - yet I'm a hopeless romantic who reads to find "love" and hope my life will someday get back on track, not go back so much to how it was, but something better.

WOW. Okay there was some honesty, and some Debby Downer coming your way!! But I hope I told some truth worthy of the award.

I'm going to give it to a few of my readers:

  1. Rach (my blog bestie who I absolutely love) -- How Fickle Is Woman ... she is amazing. Check her out if you haven't!!
  2. Jillian - Cornflake Dreams -- I love her blog!!! Always has something interesting to tell.

So there ya go!! Giving the award to two of my many favorites!!

I hope everyone is enjoying their Saturday!! I feel like being sick has made me a lazy potato head, but that's okay... once Spring Semester 2011 starts on Monday, I won't have any more relaxing days for a longgg time sadly, so I'm going to milk this for all it's worth; sick or not. Least I'm watching one of my favorite TV shows:

LOST... such a good, confusing, complex TV show. Season 1 was so amazing and simple though!! It's funny because in this post when I talk about honesty, the first thing that came to mind was LOST - this show defines the word fate. As you can see Charlie below representing :) Definitely everything that happened in this show brought them to one another and other situations in their lives; eye opener that's for sure.

Well I'm going to continue being sick, watching LOST, and eating cereal! Hope you all are enjoying your weekend. It is really sad though what happened in Arizona today though (shooting) :( Breaks my heart the anger some people feel towards others for no good reason. To hurt others, just for the sake of getting a "point across," it's appalling to me. RIP those who lost their lives and I hope a recovery for those who are wounded.

xo.

9 comments:

  1. Wow. Yes. Definitely worthy of the award. I knew I did good at picking you! ^_~

    My comment turned into a novel. So, I'm going to email you instead. Great post though. You are such a strong woman, Jess. I can't say it enough. Even in your weakness, you are still far stronger than most. And when life seems like too much to bare, you have people who care about you, people who want to be there for you, including me ))

    ...I can't keep writing or I'll just re-write your email ^_^

    *Trisha*

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh, and cereal sounds soooo good right now :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks Trisha :) and thanks again for the award and your kind words... as usual. You always know how to make me feel better!!! I cannot wait to go read your email, but as I am sick... I may go to sleep because I feel like crap and I will prob read it tomorrow. I want to give the email my full attention! xoxo.

    PS: The cereal was amazing... I just love it ten times more at night!

    ReplyDelete
  4. you are so sweet! sorry it took me so long to comment i had a lot to catch up on after a weekend away. to avoid a super long comment ill email you today :) thank you again. love love your blog and SO happy we're bloggy friends! xoxo jcd

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so happy we are bloggy friends too Jillian.

    I love you all and I loved all the emails I received after posting this blog.

    MWAH.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Between LOST and cereal, I'm sure you'll be better in no time :)

    ReplyDelete