Saturday, February 5, 2011

Crumbling Down

I try to be positive. I try harder than most people think. But sometimes, like lately, I feel like my life is crumbling down around me. How much can a person take? Honestly? I know they say, "God gives you as much as you can handle," but I've been at that point for a year now. Still, I hold my head up high and smile; most of the time it's a fake smile, but I try anyways. I hold it together for the people around me. But you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it all. This whole ordeal has shown me who my true friends really are and you know what's heartbreaking? That I have about 2 true friends in my life. That's what I have seen. Most of my friends forgot about me because I don't go out and party anymore of be like I used to be. Maybe that part of me is lost forever. But you try watching someone you love die in front of you daily... then talk to me about life. Last night my step-dad started screaming at about 3 am, so I rushed into the room where he sleeps. He kept yelling that he couldn't move at all; that he was completely paralyzed. I just stood there in shock saying that he would be okay... but he won't be. All he has to look forward to is death. That's it. He's getting worse every single second! I can't even imagine just sitting there not being able to move any part of my body. It's hell. Truly. But then he said words to me that literally haunted me, that are still haunting me. Greg looked at me and said, a few times because I can't understand him when he speaks anymore, "I'm dying - know that I love you." He then closed his eyes and I couldn't hear him breathing. I kept trying to move him but got no response. I started crying and was about to rush to get my mom or call 911, but then he opened his eyes. My mom told me it's because he's on so many pain medications, but I knew that this was a glimpse of what will happen in the near future. I don't know what I would've done if he would have died right then. I honestly think it would scar me for life... and I'm not being dramatic. It was the scariest shit I have ever been through. Then I go to sleep wondering the entire night if he will be there in the morning. That's not a positive thought. Or how I would never forgive myself for not waking my mom up or calling 911 - that would be on me then.

I just feel like I'm losing my mind. I try so hard to be happy... I don't want to have to try. I read books and books about using the Secret and the Power and finding the happiness in life, but right now, there is no happiness surrounding me. School keeps knocking me down and I'm struggling to stay afloat. Consequences for my actions about a year ago are catching up with me, and I keep trying to move past them and grow, but it's hard when people keep reminding you of those mistakes. Seriously what else can a person do?? I want my wall to be re-built. I want to feel strong. I want to smile for real. I miss being a child. I feel like when you are younger you can really live and feel joy. I was a happy child and I lived in my own world. I didn't care what people thought of me and just playing video games or ship on my Dad's hammock brought me to the state of bliss; I can't find that now. And it breaks my heart. This shouldn't be what life is. Life should be full of gratitude and love. I hate, no despise, feeling like this. I miss my friends. I miss my life. But most of all I miss seeing my mom smile. She used to be my rock, but I can't find that in her anymore. I worry about her more than I admit - I can't lose her too.

So that's my crumbling post. And honestly I don't care. I'm sorry that I cannot be happy-go-lucky in every single post. But this is raw honesty for you. For me. And I'm sure it's just a phase, which I hope it is, but for now this is how I feel and it's crippling. Does help to write and express yourself though. That's what I love about this blog. Ever letter I type on this page is letting out my emotions... and I'm thankful for that.

Right now I feel okay. I guess you need to take it one step at a time which I always say but actually need to apply to my life.

I do hope you all are having a wonderful weekend. I'm going to make the best of it. I am.

xo.

8 comments:

  1. Jessica I am so so sorry. Your life seems so miserable right now and I can't even imagine what you are going through but it HAS to get better. It has to. Just keep having faith and praying for your family and things will get better. Just be strong for your mom and get close to her during these hard times- sounds like you two need eachother a lot. Your in my prayers sweet friend.

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  3. Jessica,
    this breaks my heart. and whats hurts so badly is i practically know exactly how you feel,
    my dad broke his neck. he was pralyzed from the neck down for a year and half! it was a horrible time of my life, he then died, after too many complications, and we all knew he would ide eventually but it still hurts so badly!

    but time does heal, and though there is nothing anyone can say to make any of the pain that your feeling go away, just know that everything happens for a reason, and though it may seem unclear, it will come into view eventually ! im so sorry !

    the secret on the other hand is incredible and they say when things are going horribly wrong its because things are about to go all completely right and its the universe working against it becasue its so close!
    i struggle with alot of things all the time, and i feel this same way and i feel very alone, and like nothing could get any worse.
    but i was listening to anythony robbins,
    and he said that whenever things start going really wrong in his life he gets really excited becasue he knows something incredible is about to happen,
    so im trying to go through life that way,

    just know ! that all the things you want and all the things your striving towards are right there! dont give up at the last second!

    i believe in you [:
    -Taylor

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  4. I'm sorry to read about your step dad. I hope you, your mom, and your step dad can find peace & happiness

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  5. Jess. This hurts me reading this. Know that everything you've done in life is not a mistake -- you've learned and grown from it. Nothing is on you (like if you didnt call your mom or 911) -- it's just the way it is. Don't feel pressured like you aren't doing anything correctly because you are doing everything you can.

    I know what you mean by trying to be happy and smiling and finding peace but time will only heal it all. Trust me. The many things that have crumbled my wall have healed and you gradually built it back. Even if you don't think you will...you will.

    Hang in there honey bunny of oats -- I <3 you, miss you, and I am always thinking of you, your mom, your step dad and all of your family.

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  6. Jess, remember that I am here for you if you need someone to vent to. I know what it's like to realize who your real friends are and in times like these you need as many good ones as you can get. My email is on my page, but if you need my cell, I can give that to you too. Don't push through this alone girl. Many, Many people love you.

    xoxo. k.

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  7. Aww darlin'! I'm sending you big hugs from Canada & hoping you feel better because you're such a wonderful person!
    XO

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  8. Aw Jessica! I'm so sorry to hear about all this. It's hard not knowing if someone is going to be there the next day. My mom was put in ICU for over a month last March & I hated not knowing if she would ever wake up. I hated seeing her suffer. Thankfully she {somehow} overcame everything, and she's well. But I definitely sympathize with you. While she was sick I watched the light fade not only from my little brother's eyes but from my step-dads. I missed seeing him happy for that month, seeing my brother happy. I hated that constant knot that was always lingering in the pit of my stomach. Big hugs are being sent your way girl!

    xo - M

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