Saturday, February 26, 2011

Never Say Never

Never Say Never
And there's just no turnin back
When your heart's under attack
Gonna give everything I have
It's my destiny
I will never say never
I will fight till forever
Whenever you knock me down
I will not stay on the ground
Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up
And never say never
You heard me - I got these lyrics from none other than Justin Bieber! Yes, I am a Biebs fan and you know what after seeing the movie today :) I can say that I am proud of that fact. Mostly because today it inspired me and made me feel better. This kid is seriously talented. Watching him at two years playing the guitar and the drums... and that voice, I mean come on! That's talent. And the kid has such a good heart. I love hearing the stories of a small town kid who didn't have a lot, work towards a dream and his whole life changed. Yet, he still stays true to those in his life and has respect for everyone around him. He is an idol to so many girls out there and you know what, when we were younger who did we love? Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Brittney Spears, etc. Let them have something to believe it.

One of the songs he sings that's my favorite is the one I posted: Never Say Never. If you really listen to the lyrics they can seriously make you feel whole. It gives you inspiration that you need to go after what you believe in.

So thank you Justin Bieber... you inspired this post.

Yesterday wasn't a very good day, and I'll get personal and tell you why. My first math exam for 4020... I failed. Yup, nice big F. I never get F's in school... it's just something that isn't acceptable for myself. So seeing this rocked my boat. I spiraled suddenly to the ground and couldn't get back up. I got so depressed. I felt the fear that after 6 years in college I wouldn't be graduating because of math. It was like the universe was laughing in my face pointing it's long finger saying, "yes, math will be the reason this was all a waste of your time." Math is my personal demon; it's been a demon ever since I was little. People who have read my blog for a while will know I complain about it.... a lot. And I'm sorry about that, but this subject is not easy to me and never has been. The teachers past me along in elementary school when I should have received the help I so desperately needed - but I never got that. So I have always struggled. I am the most creative, imaginative, right brained person you will ever meet... but me and logic, well, we don't mix. I am not a problem solver - that's just a fact, and this math is all about that. Plus geometry, statistics, and proofs. And this isn't your ordinary geometry, it's math 4020 an upper division math class that confuses you so you can see what it's like for a child; the result is dealing with math problems that I feel like are impossible to accomplish. It's always an ongoing battle with math and I barely pull through every single time. And in college I have pretty much had to re-take every math class too. I didn't want to have to do that again. But they told me this would be thee hardest class I would take for my major and I now believe them. I have been struggling to stay afloat, and yesterday I felt as though I had already lost the battle. Sometimes I feel like a person sometimes just gets to a learning point where they just cannot understand it any further and that's that. I cried for about 3 hours yesterday...and then got angry. My teacher is not a good teacher; she seriously doesn't teach. I wrote her an email and laid all my feelings out on the table, I was a little scared I would get kicked out of her class. But she ended up saying she wants to meet Monday to go over my test and then set up a permanent day every week to work on math. I was really thankful about that, but worried because I don't even think she's that good, so what will change? My mom says the one-on-one, which probably will. I get really insecure letting people see how I really am at math, but I want her to see. I hope that if she sees I'm making an effort, something good will come out of this... I pray. I have to get a C or better, and I have two more tests and a practicum, portfolio, and some more homework, so hopefully I can pull it through.

I realized after watching the Justin Bieber movie, that when one door closes, another door opens for you. I won't let math take a hold of me like that anymore. I am stronger than that...and I can do this. I gave up on myself yesterday - saying I knew this was the end... I couldn't do better than that. That was a damn lie. I can do better and I will do better. Since I was five years old I wanted to be a school teacher. I know I can change lives of children and make a difference in their life. That is my calling and that's what my path has in store for me. One class in college won't put an end to that, even if I do have to re-take it. This is life. It is hard, but when you make it through... well in the end it all becomes worth it and shapes you.

That's why I don't have any regrets in life because without the mistakes we make, how could you ever learn from the lessons life throws your way? You take what you learn and you apply it to life situations. That's how we live. I appreciate that fact. But life should be filled with joy, love, happiness, and hope, and there is still hope for me yet.

I am on a path of changing my life for the better. Nothing is going to stand in my way anymore. And anyone who tells me that "I can't," well then stay out of my way because I'll step right over you to show you who I really am. I will become a teacher, fall in love and meet my Mr. Right, write a novel and become a best selling author, change the lives of those around me, and live a life of plenty and never look back... only forward.

Never say never. This is my DESTINY.

Hope you all enjoy your weekend - mine has already been great, but extremely cold and snowy. I think they should fire the groundhog because spring in Utah, is not right around the corner that's for sure.

xo.

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