Tuesday, April 26, 2011
My fear had come to life when my mom came in my room this morning at 7 am and just started crying. I knew that was all it would take... she wouldn't have to say a thing. My step-father finally lost his battle with ALS - yet he will always be the strongest man I'll ever know or hope to know. He battled this disease with such grace, that he is my true hero. But today has been an emotional roller coaster that you read about and see on the media. My grandma has now lost both her children, and I know her funeral will be soon as well... she has completely lost the will to live and you could see that when she draped herself over my father who was no longer there with us anymore. I didn't know if I wanted to see his body, but I would have regretted it if not. He looked so peaceful, but his eyes were open which really made me nervous. For some reason they couldn't shut them because of the muscle. After the nurse left she said he died peacefully in his sleep and I'm grateful for that fact because a lot of ALS patients don't die in that way. He died at home surrounded by people who have watched over him for two and a half years. Thank God for my Aunt Paula; she was by our side every step of the way today and helped me through some really dark moments I had to face. I was okay after a while because I accepted his death and I realized it was a blessing. My step-father was in so much pain and he was suffering so badly. If you don't know what ALS is, it is a deterioration of the muscles in your body. Yesterday my dad was to the point where he couldn't do anything anymore: couldn't move, couldn't talk, his eye sight was going, could barely breathe, couldn't eat, etc. But I still didn't think that was it. I graduate in a week and my birthday is May 12... and I kept praying to God that he wouldn't die on one of those days. I wonder why last night? But then I realize it was time. We were at peace with death and so was he. He didn't want to suffer anymore either.
Greg is no longer trapped within his own body - he is finally set free. Knowing that he is in heaven with other loved ones, makes me smile. I hope he RAN into a peaceful bliss because he could. Today I have felt his presence around me, and before that type of thing used to scare me, but not now.. not with him. I can't describe it but it's the soft-light feeling that surrounds me and I feel okay. This has been our life for so long that we don't know what normal is anymore... and I don't think we ever will. I'm sitting here in my room staring at the room he slept in for those two years and the door is wide open and I feel absolute agony. I know it's a bittersweet situation, but I have never felt this type of pain anymore. This man was everything to me. He was the rock of our family and I don't know what to do without him. I will always remember the good times, but sometimes that's not enough. Seeing my mom with him crushed me today - he was the love of her life. She never left his side and just cried, cried and cried some more. She wore his wedding ring on her thumb and she wouldn't let go of his arm. Watching the mortuary come and take his body away really truly hit me in a way I cannot explain. It became real. I don't even know what to type anymore but I can't cry anymore so thought writing something down would be better.
Thanks for all the support everyone has given me - it means everything.
God Bless you Greg. You are the strongest person I know and you truly saved me and mom. You will be in my heart forever and I know you are finally free and at peace; you aren't suffering anymore and I'm thankful for that. Thank God for you... you truly were the brightest star in the heavens and I know you'll always be with me. I love you.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Cute Easter basket from my mommy :)
Friday, April 22, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Happy 18th Birthday Landon :)
It's crazy to watch people get older; I get to do it every single day teaching. My students are adorable. Here is a picture of some of the boys playing with the Legos. Why do we insist on growing up so fast? Life as a child is way more fun!I've realized in this past year I have honestly gotten so much older as well; I've grown, even when I didn't want to. I think life's experiences does that to a person because it did it to me. I'm always stressed out and having such a hard time lately... but honestly life can still be magical the way it was when you are child. I gain so much from the students, and I'm the one teaching them!! They teach me that the world is so beautiful from their eyes, they get excited over the smallest things, and they laugh... like really laugh!! I realized the other day I don't laugh like I used to, smile like I once did, or even play. I need to take the time and share that with myself. Life is stressful, but it's also wonderful and if you hurry you can miss every experience and the simple things that life has to offer. Maybe that's why I want to move because I might find that spark that's lacking here.
I'm turning 24 in a month and to me that's getting old! I was always so excited about being 24 - thought it would be a monumental age to turn... I just don't want it to be like this year I have had. My 23rd year has been the toughest year to live in ever and I want a clean slate and happiness to follow when I turn 24. Not sure if that will happen or not, but it's almost like I need it to happen or I don't know what will be left of me. Funny that when I was younger, I thought 24 would be the perfect age to get married!! Ha, I'd better find a guy to go on a date with me before I think of marriage. I know now I'm too young for that. It works for some people and I'm so thrilled for them, but I still have some growing up to do myself before I can be married... that's the truth!! I want to be successful and get a wonderful job though. Live on my own (Portland) and get a dog! I know that's weird but I have never had a dog of my own. I have a beagle at my dad's house, but I don't see him very much. I didn't get to grow up with him in the ways I wanted to. So when I move out, I'm getting a dog. And this one is so cute:It's called a Yorkie-poo :) My good friend Maddy just got a girl and named it Lola. I think they are so adorable, and I usually don't love small dogs... but I love Lola. I want one! But I also love Golden Retriever's - but I know they are a lot of work. I want to get a kitten and a puppy so they can grow up together, once again a lot of work, but oh so worth it!!! We'll see.
Have a wonderful day. xo.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I really love what I have seen with Maine, South Carolina and Rhode Island. They are all so cute and I love the beaches they offer. The Newport in Rhode Island was definitely stealing my heart yesterday but then I thought to myself... this is a big step, even greater than moving to Oregon. The East Coast is so far away from my family, so that makes things really scary. Mary also said that if she were to move to the East Coast, she would move back to New York to be closer to her family. We just weren't agreeing yesterday. So then I got really sad thinking I would go to the East Coast... but alone. I would still love to move to Oregon, but the coast towns are just too small :( However, as I was just doing research for the millionth time yesterday, I came across Lake Oswego in Oregon. It reminded me of why I liked Oregon in the first place: green everywhere, lakes, houses on the lakes, small but definitely not too small, etc. I also a long time ago posted this dream house of mine that was located somewhere in Oregon but I wasn't sure where... well I figured out that house, that same exact house, is located in Lake Oswego. It was kind of a sign. I really wanted to live somewhere on the coast, but the coast is a few hours away and it's cool just to have a coast in the state you live in. Utah doesn't have that... just beautiful mountains which I am grateful for even though I'm extremely sick of this state. The other really cool thing about Lake Oswego is that 9 miles away is Portland. Now I love Portland, it would be the one city I would consider moving to even though I'm not a city girl in the slightest. Mary and I realized that we can honestly have the best of both worlds. We can live away from the crazy city life and on the lake, but having the city that close opens up a lot of job opportunities, chances to meet people, etc. It just became really exciting and I felt like something clicked and I was back on track yesterday. I got excited also because Portland has a lot of colleges there and I can go to graduate school there and get my Master's Degree in a few years. How awesome is that?? Pretty awesome I might add. Here are some pictures of Portland and Lake Oswego:Someday I would truly love to move to the East Coast, but maybe after I meet my Mr. Right we can go together. Moving in it self is a true eye opener and changes your life, I don't think I need to be that drastic about it right now.
I just love the thought of moving and starting over. No one knows you and you can be your own person, someone that might have disappeared over time.
Where I Want to Live is somewhere that will make me happy, somewhere beautiful and serene. A place that I can feel tranquility (something I'm in desperate need of) and still have that fun life that gives me a successful job and opportunities to meet people. Yes, that's what I want. And I will have it - sooner or later. Stay tuned. xo.
Sunday, April 10, 2011