Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Finally Set Free

I knew this day would come... sooner rather than later actually, so why am I so broken-hearted? Why am I so numb? Why did I still ask my mom, "Is Greg okay?" When I knew he had passed away.

My fear had come to life when my mom came in my room this morning at 7 am and just started crying. I knew that was all it would take... she wouldn't have to say a thing. My step-father finally lost his battle with ALS - yet he will always be the strongest man I'll ever know or hope to know. He battled this disease with such grace, that he is my true hero. But today has been an emotional roller coaster that you read about and see on the media. My grandma has now lost both her children, and I know her funeral will be soon as well... she has completely lost the will to live and you could see that when she draped herself over my father who was no longer there with us anymore. I didn't know if I wanted to see his body, but I would have regretted it if not. He looked so peaceful, but his eyes were open which really made me nervous. For some reason they couldn't shut them because of the muscle. After the nurse left she said he died peacefully in his sleep and I'm grateful for that fact because a lot of ALS patients don't die in that way. He died at home surrounded by people who have watched over him for two and a half years. Thank God for my Aunt Paula; she was by our side every step of the way today and helped me through some really dark moments I had to face. I was okay after a while because I accepted his death and I realized it was a blessing. My step-father was in so much pain and he was suffering so badly. If you don't know what ALS is, it is a deterioration of the muscles in your body. Yesterday my dad was to the point where he couldn't do anything anymore: couldn't move, couldn't talk, his eye sight was going, could barely breathe, couldn't eat, etc. But I still didn't think that was it. I graduate in a week and my birthday is May 12... and I kept praying to God that he wouldn't die on one of those days. I wonder why last night? But then I realize it was time. We were at peace with death and so was he. He didn't want to suffer anymore either.

Greg is no longer trapped within his own body - he is finally set free. Knowing that he is in heaven with other loved ones, makes me smile. I hope he RAN into a peaceful bliss because he could. Today I have felt his presence around me, and before that type of thing used to scare me, but not now.. not with him. I can't describe it but it's the soft-light feeling that surrounds me and I feel okay. This has been our life for so long that we don't know what normal is anymore... and I don't think we ever will. I'm sitting here in my room staring at the room he slept in for those two years and the door is wide open and I feel absolute agony. I know it's a bittersweet situation, but I have never felt this type of pain anymore. This man was everything to me. He was the rock of our family and I don't know what to do without him. I will always remember the good times, but sometimes that's not enough. Seeing my mom with him crushed me today - he was the love of her life. She never left his side and just cried, cried and cried some more. She wore his wedding ring on her thumb and she wouldn't let go of his arm. Watching the mortuary come and take his body away really truly hit me in a way I cannot explain. It became real. I don't even know what to type anymore but I can't cry anymore so thought writing something down would be better.

Thanks for all the support everyone has given me - it means everything.

God Bless you Greg. You are the strongest person I know and you truly saved me and mom. You will be in my heart forever and I know you are finally free and at peace; you aren't suffering anymore and I'm thankful for that. Thank God for you... you truly were the brightest star in the heavens and I know you'll always be with me. I love you.

9 comments:

  1. jess i am SO sorry for your loss. your step father was a strong and brave person but remember he is in a better place. and he has been set free. i will be praying for you and your family. much love. xoxo, jillian

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  2. This post made me tear up. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you right now. After reading your various posts about Greg over the past few months I have come to learn what an amazing man, father and husband he was. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

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  3. I am sorry for your loss, but like you said, he isn't in pain anymore and is at peace! Your family is in my thoughts!

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  4. My eyes are definitely filled with tears, that was beautiful Jess. You are such a strong woman, I can't even imagine going through something like this and I'm sorry you had to but the sun will always shine on a new day and I'm happy he won't have to suffer anymore. Love you! Your family will be in my prayers xoxo

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  5. It always feels better to let it out and you wrote so beautifully. My heart is with you and your family while you go through this. --but don't forget, he's the lucky one now ;) He has everything he's ever wanted now.

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  6. I am so sorry for you loss. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family during this difficult time.

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  7. So so sorry to hear about your step-dad! :( Hope your family's doing better! xo

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  8. Thank you everyone for your kind words.

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