Thursday, May 19, 2011

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again


Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
Phantom of the Opera


You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered
Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could
Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say, "Goodbye"
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say, "Goodbye"
Help me say, "Goodbye"


Lately I've been having a really hard time with the death of my father. I think it's been so hard because it's finally setting in that he's never coming home. I try to act brave, but it does hit me. It really resurfaced because of Glee this week. Sue's sister died and she wrote something so beautiful to her sister but was so broken she couldn't read it. The Glee club did the whole funeral and it was beautiful. I don't know, I think I realized I haven't let myself feel all the way. I don't know if I want to though. It can be a crippling feeling; it was that night. I sat on my iTunes and made a playlist in memory of Greg and I was like sobbing like a baby. This song came on - Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again and it really hit hard. Weird actually because Phantom of the Opera was one of the plays my mom and Greg went and saw the most. They used to love it! They gave me this music box that played Angel of Music and so I've always known it. So when this song came on, I was like whoa... It pretty much defined how I felt in that moment because I would do anything to hear his voice again. I realized I hadn't heard his real voice in so long because the disease was taking that away from us as well. I can still call his answering machine, his work one, and hear his normal voice. It's like hearing a memory - and it reminded me of PS: I love you when she keeps calling her husbands voicemail. I hate to admit it, but I kept calling it... I just don't want to forget. I don't want to forget him and I feel like part of me is already forgetting things. I'm deserperately trying to grab on to anything I can, but it's harder than I thought it would be. It's been three weeks since Greg's death and it still feels like it happened yesterday. It's weird how the world just goes on after and people keep living their life. My mom is having such a hard time and I wish I could help her. She keeps buying all these books like "Finding Happiness Again," written by other widowers and things, but I feel like it's just depressing her more. I guess time heals wounds, but I'm afraid time will never fill this missing void in our hearts.


Miss you Greg.
I wish I could hear your voice again.
I am going to keep trying and hopefully make you proud.
Give me the strength to try.
I need it.


xo.

2 comments:

  1. what a bittersweet post. so heartfelt and honest - thanks for sharing : )

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  2. Loss of a loved one is probably one of the hardest things a person could EVER experience.

    Worrying about forgetting things would be such a painful struggle. Remember, he was there during your childhood and young adult life. He helped raise you. The things he taught you and the person he helped you become will ALWAYS be a deep part of you. Nothing will ever take that away.

    Stay strong girl, and know that you're already making Greg proud :)

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