Saturday, June 25, 2011
Missing Stepping Stone
Have you ever just felt plain lost? I really do my best to stay upbeat, but sometimes you get knocked over when you are already down. I'm trying to stay afloat the best I can, but it's not good enough. I need to change the pattern of my life because the way I'm living right now is not making me happy. I feel like every day when I go to sleep that something is missing. What kind of life is that? It shouldn't be that way. Working out and getting healthy has made me feel physically well, but it's the loneliness that has taken vacancy in my life. I know I've done a lot of it to myself; friends want to hang out, people want to surround themselves around me...but I just don't want to do what they want to do anymore. I have changed. I'm not the same "J-Ruud" they once knew. And that's alright. I don't think people usually go through what I have had to dealt with in the last two years. Watching someone you love more than anything, fade away and finally lose the ongoing battle. And then deal with things that I've done to myself "my mistakes" yet they are learning experiences I know. Yet all they do is eat away at me. I try to better myself, and they keep biting me in the ass. I just want to wake up and feel excited to be alive. I want that feeling I once had. I am doing everything in my power to gain it back...but it won't come to me. What do I do? I'm at an utter loss and I know the stepping stone to my fate is missing. Plus, I know it's lame, but a good friend of mine...a best friend actually, has left me behind. I'm not sure when it happened or why, but it has. Not sure how to fix it. But once again she has left me behind and it hurts. Well it did hurt. Now I feel a type of numbness to it that cannot be good. Just in a dark place and I want to see my light again. That light that brightens up a room and makes you feel whole again. I know others have a lot more to deal with and are going through so much, but my heart truly feels broken. I think part of it is that I'm still dealing with the loss of a loved one. I miss my step-father so badly and when I stop and think about it, I get angry. I know death happens, but it isn't fair. Maybe that's what this is. I haven't let myself go through all the emotions that a person goes through when someone dies. But I feel like I've been jipped in the scheme of things. Greg was so amazing and I need him. I wanted him to walk me down the aisle one day...I wanted my children to know this person that shaped me into the person I am today. And more than anything, I don't want my mother to be alone. She has been through so much in her life and she deserves to have happiness, but all she can see is a life alone. What do you say to someone going through that? All I can do is put my arms around her and tell her it will be okay...but I feel like a criminal because part of me, a big part, doesn't really believe that. I'm not sure if it will ever be okay. We are dealing with a new normal and sometimes it's too overwhelming. I just need a new path, a new direction. I need to be inspired and I'm desperately looking for it; where is it? Probably what I need to do is stop looking all together. It will find me I suppose. Until then, I'll try to stay level and carry on.