Saturday, June 25, 2011

Missing Stepping Stone

Have you ever just felt plain lost? I really do my best to stay upbeat, but sometimes you get knocked over when you are already down. I'm trying to stay afloat the best I can, but it's not good enough. I need to change the pattern of my life because the way I'm living right now is not making me happy. I feel like every day when I go to sleep that something is missing. What kind of life is that? It shouldn't be that way. Working out and getting healthy has made me feel physically well, but it's the loneliness that has taken vacancy in my life. I know I've done a lot of it to myself; friends want to hang out, people want to surround themselves around me...but I just don't want to do what they want to do anymore. I have changed. I'm not the same "J-Ruud" they once knew. And that's alright. I don't think people usually go through what I have had to dealt with in the last two years. Watching someone you love more than anything, fade away and finally lose the ongoing battle. And then deal with things that I've done to myself "my mistakes" yet they are learning experiences I know. Yet all they do is eat away at me. I try to better myself, and they keep biting me in the ass. I just want to wake up and feel excited to be alive. I want that feeling I once had. I am doing everything in my power to gain it back...but it won't come to me. What do I do? I'm at an utter loss and I know the stepping stone to my fate is missing. Plus, I know it's lame, but a good friend of mine...a best friend actually, has left me behind. I'm not sure when it happened or why, but it has. Not sure how to fix it. But once again she has left me behind and it hurts. Well it did hurt. Now I feel a type of numbness to it that cannot be good. Just in a dark place and I want to see my light again. That light that brightens up a room and makes you feel whole again. I know others have a lot more to deal with and are going through so much, but my heart truly feels broken. I think part of it is that I'm still dealing with the loss of a loved one. I miss my step-father so badly and when I stop and think about it, I get angry. I know death happens, but it isn't fair. Maybe that's what this is. I haven't let myself go through all the emotions that a person goes through when someone dies. But I feel like I've been jipped in the scheme of things. Greg was so amazing and I need him. I wanted him to walk me down the aisle one day...I wanted my children to know this person that shaped me into the person I am today. And more than anything, I don't want my mother to be alone. She has been through so much in her life and she deserves to have happiness, but all she can see is a life alone. What do you say to someone going through that? All I can do is put my arms around her and tell her it will be okay...but I feel like a criminal because part of me, a big part, doesn't really believe that. I'm not sure if it will ever be okay. We are dealing with a new normal and sometimes it's too overwhelming. I just need a new path, a new direction. I need to be inspired and I'm desperately looking for it; where is it? Probably what I need to do is stop looking all together. It will find me I suppose. Until then, I'll try to stay level and carry on.

7 comments:

  1. I wish I had something inspiring to say, but honestly I can't think of anything. Hang in there. Things might never be the same, but they will be okay.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i just ready your comment on my blog, then came over to yours! 1st i love it. 2nd as hard as it is keep smiling. everything will start to get better. maybe ready my life quote again and hopefully that will make you feel a little better. Have a great weekend!! I look forward to your post next week!

    xxoo

    Classic & Bubbly

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Jess, I'm here through my friend Jill's blog. As a first-time reader I hope you don't mind me sharing an experience I had. I'll try to give you the condensed version so I don't take up too much of your time.

    Three years ago I had a car accident. Physically I fully recovered but emotionally my world was turned upside down. I cried at the drop of a hat and I couldn't understand why. Everything in me emotionally was intensified.

    I began feeling a tremendous void in my life. It made no sense because I seemingly had everything; a loving relationship, good job, nice home, family, friends. But something was just missing where it wasn't before. I started my blog and eventually filled that emptiness through reaching out to other people. Today my life is not only back on track but better than ever, and I'm considering pursuing a career in counselling.

    I won't profess to know how you feel because I don't. Your circumstances are different but the words you're using are very familiar. I found myself in the midst of a mild depression through what I believe was a form of post-traumatic stress brought on by the accident. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, lost interest in some things that I was previously very passionate about. Just generally felt that the enthusiasm I once had for life had slipped away. I should have sought therapy for it but didn't; eventually I was able to work through it.

    I don't know you but I agree you're probably not the same Jess you were before these events unfolded over the past two years, and you most likely will never be that person again. You realize that it's okay, which I find encouraging. Major events in our life such as the death of a loved one impact us, they shape us (I think) into a different form of ourselves.

    This is a new chapter in your life. You're facing things within yourself you don't understand right now and that can be scary. I remember frequently asking myself who I was and where I was supposed to go from here. Along the way I got caught up in an emotional situation with somebody and asked myself what the purpose of it was, why it had to happen. Eventually I found solace in believing that some things are just bigger than we are and have a reason which isn't always evident.

    I'm sorry I've gone on so long, I'll wrap up. I won't offer you advice since I'm not sure that you want some. I will say though that as hard as it may seem to believe right now, things do work out in the end. If nothing else please believe that.

    I hope you can rise each day and greet the sun with Greg's warmth upon you but also feel it from those left behind who love you. They'll believe in you when you have trouble believing in yourself and keep you grounded.

    You'll be okay Jess.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for the sweet comment and following my blog! :) Your blog is so cute! You're beautiful! I'm sorry you're going through a hard time right now, try to keep your head up and pray! God will turn things around for you and help fill the emptiness!

    I'm looking forward to reading your posts!

    -Lauren! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so sorry to hear about all the pain and sadness you are going through....remember that there is a light at the tunnel. Feeling those emotions and coping with the loss is the starting point...let your support network catch you when you fall into these spells of grief, and let them lift your spirits. Hopefully you can do the same for them, and things will start to get better (not go away, but the pain does lessen...I promise).

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you all for your heartfelt messages; they really mean the world to me. And I'll definitely take your advice. A special thanks to you Barry, your personal story helped a lot and likes I said, I really appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You're welcome Jess. This post you wrote was a powerful introduction to who you are and what you're facing. Honest, courageous and heartfelt.

    ReplyDelete