Monday, October 3, 2011

Rut

Do you ever find yourself waking up after what seemed like a great weekend and say to yourself, "Wow, this isn't how I thought my life would turn out?"

Well. I did, this morning.

I don't know when this "rut" appeared, but in all honesty, I think it's been around for a while. I think it's been hiding under a rock or something.

Sometimes I just wonder if this is how my life was supposed to go. I always wanted to be a teacher. Graduate college. Find a good man and start a family. Write and finish a novel. So um, let's see what I've accomplished:

  • I'm somewhat a teacher working for Bricks 4 Kidz...but I feel like I'm more a "daycare teacher" than a real teacher. 
  • I graduated college. *Pat self on the back* 
  • Have yet to find a good guy. But I like how someone once told me that the "exes" in your life are "examples," and when dating them, you see what you do and do not want in a significant other; I think there's a lot of truth behind that. But sometimes I get tired of waiting for my Mr. Right. I try to give all guys a clean slate, but they aren't proving me wrong. In Utah they are the two extremes: want to get married ASAP or they want to stay as far away from dating as possible. Where is the in between step? 
  • Write and finish a novel? Well I'm writing, and I keep hitting walls. I know that's part of the writing process, but sometimes I get so aggravated. But it's what I want to do. And I know I can do it. So I need to see it through. 
I guess it's understood that I can feel down every once and a while. My life hasn't exactly been easy these past two years. I've made a lot of mistakes that seem to haunt me everywhere I turn. It becomes exhausting trying to prove to people I'm not what they seem. I should just stop trying. But the biggest critic in my life, is me. I'm always judging myself and I need to stop. People make mistakes it's part of life. You can learn and grow from these mistakes. If it weren't for these types of "barriers," then how could we grow? 
I've also lost a parent to a horrible disease. And if taking care of him for two years wasn't hard enough, lately the void that only he could fill, is growing. My mom and I miss him so much; not a day goes by when I don't think of my step-father. ALS truly is a nasty disease, and so is cancer. Which brings me to Nancy, my mom's childhood friend, and my best friend's mom. She lost her battle to cancer after five years, and Greg lost his...well he never even had a fighting chance, but he was brave. And in those two years he showed a certain type of strength I didn't know a human could behold. So did Nancy. She wanted to see her son's grow up. At least she got to see them graduate college. Greg believed in me, regardless to the mistakes I've made, and I think it's time I start believing in myself as well. I need to start showing that strength that he showed. And I need to start living each moment, each second, as though it were my last breath on earth. For who knows...it may very well be. 

We are in this life for a short while, and we are the leading role. We should have everything we desire, or at least work towards it. I read the Secret and sometimes I get angry thinking it's not that easy as to "wishing" "hoping" "believing," but then I realized that in my novels I'm writing, those are always the key words within the plot/theme. It's in me. I do believe. I do hope. And I definitely wish for the best for me and everyone in my life. 

During those two dark years my step-father was dying, I hit rock bottom. Literally. But J.K Rowling once said: 
She is such a role model to me, so I really look up to those words. When I was in rock bottom, that's when I decided I wanted to be a published author. I had something I needed to say. I wrote every single day prior and it was the only thing that made me feel...well, alive. It's okay to be motivated by the darkness, but you shouldn't let it consume you. 

So yes, I'm feeling down lately, but I will not let it control me. I don't want to waste time in feeling down. Instead, I want to build myself up. Especially because it's my favorite season (if you couldn't already tell from my last 10 posts, my new layout of the blog, etc) and I want to go outside and enjoy the beauty that surrounds. 

So I'm going to go after my dreams; for there is nothing as beautiful as that. 
How was that for a sentimental post? Haven't done one of those in a while. Wow! My weekend overall was good though. Went to the U football game...even though it was a sad loss to Washington. Utah needs to step it up now that we're in the Pac 12!
Our beautiful mountains!
Me and my little brother Justin
This is the stadium they held the 2002 Winter Olympics :) pretty darn cool!
 I also went to the Farmer's Market yesterday which was held at Wheeler Farm (random I know). I went to go support my good friend Katie who makes jewelry. I've posted about her before. I bought these two items: a leaf bracelet with a little owl on it (obsessed with owls lately) and a leave necklace with a black stone and turquoise. Both perfect fall attire if I do say so myself!
Well that's mainly all I have to say. Oh! Wait. If you are a aspiring author, go over for a moment to my "writing blog" and fill out a survey that I wrote in my latest post today. I want to get to know the writing community a lot better! We can help one another on the path of becoming published, or even just finishing our novels! The link is:

Have a great Monday friends! I'll be writing again shortly. 

xoxo.

18 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you are feeling down! I hope you feel better soon. Just think about meeting me on Friday and that frown will be turned upside down! Haha! Jk. But I am really excited to meet you! :) I still need to check out your writing blog. I will do that right now. And I love the jewelry you got. I didn't know they held farmers markets at wheeler farm!

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  2. all of those quotes are just so inspirational! and i love that jewelry!!
    xo TJ

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  3. love :

    dont worry and be happy
    :) life is hard sometimes
    but you gotta make the best out
    of it :) god puts obstacles in
    our life cause he knows we are
    strong enough to overcome them!


    :) love what you got at the farmers
    market .. they always have good
    stuff there :)



    happy monday gorgeous!



    xoxo
    www.onlyaflightaway.blogspot.com

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  4. Feel better love.

    This post really hit home for me, I wake up some times and truly wonder what am I doing with my life, i am a professional stress ball and I constantly am wondering if I am on the right path or not.
    Big props to you for finishing college, I still can't figure out if spending the money on a degree I will probably change my mind on is worth it but everyone keeps telling me to go. I just don't know if its what I want or not.I try to stay positive but its hard at time, You feel so lost and no matter how hard you try to make things better sometimes they get worse.
    And don't worry about your mistakes, one day you will wake up and everyone will except them, and if they don't one day you will. I'm sorry about your step dad, but the fact that you can pick yourself up and still go after your dreams is an accomplishment in itself, your stronger then you think. ;)

    P.S- I'm Jealous of those beautiful mountains near where you live. Some times living so close to the city is a belling but a curse as well. Keep your head up!

    P.P.S-Thanks for subscribing to my blog!!! Cant wait for your next email helping me with my book :)

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  5. Sorry you're having a down time right now... I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I know that you will work your way out of your rut! :) Just focus on all the amazing blessings in your life! Much love darling.

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  6. I love this post. It really stinks that you are having a down time right now but you are so inspiring! Thanks for your words of encouragement to yourself that inspire all of us in Blogland! :]

    And your weekend looked like a lot of fun! Have a great week!!

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  7. Wonderful quotes.
    I hope you woke up feeling amazing today, it is Tueday after all and well, it is usually better than Monday.

    xx

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  8. Thanks for your comment! I love your blog, the pictures rock. How fun that you got to go to the Utah game! I hate Washington too haha, so maybe next time!

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  9. So sorry to hear that you're feeling so down. I've definitely been there. It's good that you're focusing on the positive to help you get out of the rut xo

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  10. So sorry to hear you are feeling sad. We all go through ups and downs. I was just speaking to a friend about mistakes and she informed me of an business article she read where people say they like making mistakes because they learn so much from them from which to build upon. Don't be so hard on yourself! Much love.

    xx
    Chantal

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  11. 1st, I love your new fallish layout! So pretty!

    2nd, I am so sorry you are going through a rut right now...but look at all that you HAVE accomplished! It's a BIG deal to graduate from college...so give yourself a HUGE pat for that. ;) And I have no doubt your novel is going to be perfect! You are a wonderful and talented writer!!!!

    Keep your head up girl! This rut will be over soon! ;)

    & you and your bro are ADORABLE!

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  12. Awww I'm sorry that you are feeling that way. Sending you hugs from across the blog.

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  13. Thank you for your lovely comment :))
    Wish you a wonderful week!

    xoxo Rona

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  14. thanks a lot for commenting on my blog.i really really appreciate it.
    have a nice day. :)

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  15. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so lost... I know the feeling and it really is terrible. Somehow in life out plans never go as smoothly as we thought they would go. This is not your fault.. Life happens, mistakes happen.. We all make them an we are often times so hard on ourselves about them. They aren't something you can change no matter how much you want to and tht sucks so bad but I you learned a lesson from them, they really served a purpose. I'm so sorry to hear about your stepdad and friends who dealt with those terrible health problems.. It breaks my heart that you've had so much pain in your life at such an age that should be happy times. Hang in there, doll. I beleive in you. You seem like such a sweet sincere person. If you dream it you can do it! :)

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  16. Heeeyyy, that's my Dad's alma mater!!! So awesome!! Sorry they lost :(

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  17. So sorry about the rut. I know how that is and seriously don't be so hard on yourself. I think we all have an idea of what our lives will be but something always messes up that clear picture and makes it more real. I went my entire life thinking I am going to be an attorney - heck I even went to 2 years of law school before I decided...woah...not so much. I still work at a law firm but I want to be a writer as well. Baby steps seems to be the way of making it in the freelance writing world but each of those baby steps are GREAT milestones ... so my advise...keep at it! You're young and your life is still just beginning...stay strong!

    ♥ Shia

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