Well. I did, this morning.
I don't know when this "rut" appeared, but in all honesty, I think it's been around for a while. I think it's been hiding under a rock or something.
Sometimes I just wonder if this is how my life was supposed to go. I always wanted to be a teacher. Graduate college. Find a good man and start a family. Write and finish a novel. So um, let's see what I've accomplished:
- I'm somewhat a teacher working for Bricks 4 Kidz...but I feel like I'm more a "daycare teacher" than a real teacher.
- I graduated college. *Pat self on the back*
- Have yet to find a good guy. But I like how someone once told me that the "exes" in your life are "examples," and when dating them, you see what you do and do not want in a significant other; I think there's a lot of truth behind that. But sometimes I get tired of waiting for my Mr. Right. I try to give all guys a clean slate, but they aren't proving me wrong. In Utah they are the two extremes: want to get married ASAP or they want to stay as far away from dating as possible. Where is the in between step?
- Write and finish a novel? Well I'm writing, and I keep hitting walls. I know that's part of the writing process, but sometimes I get so aggravated. But it's what I want to do. And I know I can do it. So I need to see it through.
I guess it's understood that I can feel down every once and a while. My life hasn't exactly been easy these past two years. I've made a lot of mistakes that seem to haunt me everywhere I turn. It becomes exhausting trying to prove to people I'm not what they seem. I should just stop trying. But the biggest critic in my life, is me. I'm always judging myself and I need to stop. People make mistakes it's part of life. You can learn and grow from these mistakes. If it weren't for these types of "barriers," then how could we grow?
I've also lost a parent to a horrible disease. And if taking care of him for two years wasn't hard enough, lately the void that only he could fill, is growing. My mom and I miss him so much; not a day goes by when I don't think of my step-father. ALS truly is a nasty disease, and so is cancer. Which brings me to Nancy, my mom's childhood friend, and my best friend's mom. She lost her battle to cancer after five years, and Greg lost his...well he never even had a fighting chance, but he was brave. And in those two years he showed a certain type of strength I didn't know a human could behold. So did Nancy. She wanted to see her son's grow up. At least she got to see them graduate college. Greg believed in me, regardless to the mistakes I've made, and I think it's time I start believing in myself as well. I need to start showing that strength that he showed. And I need to start living each moment, each second, as though it were my last breath on earth. For who knows...it may very well be.
We are in this life for a short while, and we are the leading role. We should have everything we desire, or at least work towards it. I read the Secret and sometimes I get angry thinking it's not that easy as to "wishing" "hoping" "believing," but then I realized that in my novels I'm writing, those are always the key words within the plot/theme. It's in me. I do believe. I do hope. And I definitely wish for the best for me and everyone in my life.
During those two dark years my step-father was dying, I hit rock bottom. Literally. But J.K Rowling once said:
She is such a role model to me, so I really look up to those words. When I was in rock bottom, that's when I decided I wanted to be a published author. I had something I needed to say. I wrote every single day prior and it was the only thing that made me feel...well, alive. It's okay to be motivated by the darkness, but you shouldn't let it consume you.
So yes, I'm feeling down lately, but I will not let it control me. I don't want to waste time in feeling down. Instead, I want to build myself up. Especially because it's my favorite season (if you couldn't already tell from my last 10 posts, my new layout of the blog, etc) and I want to go outside and enjoy the beauty that surrounds.
So I'm going to go after my dreams; for there is nothing as beautiful as that.
|Our beautiful mountains!|
|Me and my little brother Justin|
|This is the stadium they held the 2002 Winter Olympics :) pretty darn cool!|
Have a great Monday friends! I'll be writing again shortly.