Monday, May 30, 2011

Memorial Day

On this Memorial Day, we are here to remember those we have lost and even remember those who we have never met, but are still important in our world. I can't help obviously to think about my step-dad who I lost only 4 weeks ago...well I guess 5 now. I'm sitting in the exact spot he used to sit in his wheelchair because I wanted this post to be for him. He was so important to me and I wish that he could know that in heaven. I believe he is there and I also believe he ran into heaven using his legs once more. There is no pain and suffering there, only love and compassion. He is in fact in a better place, but I still miss him every single day. He added so much to this family and I really miss his guidance. I have dealt with so many hard times this past year, but losing him was the hardest. This week I have something big going on and it's going to be rough, but hopefully I will take his guidance and light with me so I can get through another one of life's barriers. If I can make it through the two years of taking care of him, I can get through anything. I do pretty well, but I can't lie, there are those days you don't want to get out of bed or something reminds you of this person and it makes you extremely emotional. I went to that Greek wedding a few weekends ago and I thought about him as the bride walked down the aisle with her father and then later when she had her daddy-daughter dance. Of course I still have my father, but Greg was just as much as a father to me than my real one. I wanted them both there and I wanted them by my side as I walked down that long stretch to my husband-to-be. But then I smile because I know that he will be by my side, even if he's not physically there, I'll be able to sense his spirit and love. He's watching out for me, I know it.
If I could I would just tell him thank you for everything. He showed me how a husband should treat his wife and to never settle for anything less than what you deserve. He taught me about technology and it has definitely come in handy since he's been gone because for some reason I keep getting stupid viruses. He taught be about loving yourself and believing in yourself. He taught me to "live like you were dying" and to never take anything for granted. He made me realize that even when things seem almost unbearable, that we can get through anything and it will be okay. We are our toughest critic and we need to be there for ourselves.
I love you Greg and you are a hero to me. You died with such grace and gained respect from so many people not just with your battle with ALS, but how you composed yourself through your life. You were an amazing businessman, father, grandfather, husband and friend. God be with you, forever and always.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Pirates

Okay, so I loved Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides!! I saw it last night, and was pleasantly surprised. I have always been a fan of pirates, even way back when I was little and used to ride the ride at Disneyland. Pirates always fascinated me, then again...what fantasy stuff doesn't right?? I grew up hearing about "Blackbeard" and loved Peter Pan/Hook as well. So this movie gave me a glimpse of why I liked pirates to begin with. The first Pirates of the Caribbean was so good, but I felt like it went downhill from there. I didn't like the third one, like at all...it was weird. But least Will Turner got sexy at the end when he was "dead". I'm not a big fan of Penelope Cruz, but I did like her character. But what I liked most about this movie, besides Captain Jack Sparrow of course and Blackbeard, was the mermaids!!
There is something else that I'm obsessed with. I mean come on, my favorite Disney movie is The Little Mermaid, so I was so happy to see these beautiful creatures. It was creepy to see how they are evil/vampire like though. Not sure if I liked that or not... but hell yea - woman power!! I love the cute mermaid Serena and the love story with Phillip; it was really sweet. And I'm a hopeless romantic, so I love that kind of thing. Overall, I loved this movie and really want to see it again!!

Besides talking about the lovely Pirates, I'm still facing a comment issue with Blogger. Don't get what's going on. It's like the embedded comment page won't work, but the pop-up comment page I can leave comments just fine. It's been going on for a week now, so I'm not sure if it's going to be fixed or not. I keep trying to write a comment, and then it loops to the main page saying "log in." I do so, and then it loops back to the same page once again. I can never leave a comment. If anyone knows how to fix this problem, PLEASE help! Thanks.

PS: I about died seeing the trailer for the next Harry Potter!!! I cannot wait to go opening night like I always do. I am sad however, that it will be all over after part 2. That's a decade right there of loving this series!! Anyone seen Hangover 2 yet? Is it worth seeing??

Have a great Memorial Weekend!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Tell All Thursday

First and foremost, what the hell? I can't leave comments on other blogs anymore? It says "Please choose a profile," and then I do. And then it keeps logging me out so I can't post anything. Is this happening to anyone else? I'm definitely confused as to what's happening here, but I don't like it! I am reading your posts everyone, I promise!!!

How's every one's Thursday going so far? I have night class tonight and it's actually not that bad of a class for being 3 hours long! It's a Special Education class about having Inclusive classrooms. It's so important not to segregate everyone just because they are different! I read this statement in an article and I really liked it, “When inclusive education is fully embraced, we abandon the idea that children have to become ‘normal’ in order to contribute to the world. Instead, we search for and nourish the gifts that are inherent in all people. We begin to look beyond typical ways of becoming valued members of the community, and in doing so, begin to realize the achievable goal of providing all children with an authentic sense of belonging.” I believe that is so true. There doesn't have to be a certain "normal" - we are all special in our own ways and those differences should be celebrated not shunned upon. A feeling of self-worth is the most important part of belonging, and when you divide people, you are taking that away. Like I said, this class has really opened my eyes! On another note, operation get a kitten. Yea... my mom mostly likely won't let me. Keeps saying, "maybe in the future," or "when you move out you can get whatever you want." Which results in a definite eye rolling. Come on mom!! They are adorable and it's a cat. Cats really aren't that difficult to take care of; most of the time they manage their own needs, it's true!

So I've really gotten back into writing again. It makes me so happy. I was so into it and then stopped because of school and my step-dad doing so bad. But even though I am doing summer school, I still have a lot more free time and I am taking the advantage with that. I practice writing fan fictions, kind of dorky I know, but it's really good practice! My stories are doing really well and in one night after posting a chapter I got 40 reviews saying I should be an author and they love the way I write. It was a very high compliment that made me blush :) I needed it. I just love writing and I love being creative. I can still be a school teacher and be an author on the side. I would simply love to write both children and young adult fiction! The imagination can open you up to a whole other world and after living through so much pain for the past two years, I love that type of escape and I think others will as well. My mom was actually saying she wanted to write a book about being a caregiver and mainly focusing on ALS. I think it would be a huge inspiration to people who read that! Honestly. I think a lot of people don't know how hard it is until they've done it, but you can't just abandon someone you love when they need you the most; even if at times it seems almost unbearable! My creative side showed through also when I made a picture frame for my best friend's birthday. We went to the coast of Oregon and loved it, so I painted practically the beach on it and put little clip on pictures that are adorable! She's going to love it I hope. Don't have time right now, but eventually I'll take a picture and show you.

Let's see, anything else? Oh I love Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev and I hope they love each other too. There are reports that they have become quite chummy with one another and they make the hottest couple, so I hope it's true.


Glee's season finale was blah, I'm sorry but it's true. They lost because Finn kissed Rachel? Wtf. That's a load of crap to be honest. Another season where they lost... hmm... But it was cute to hear Blaine say "I love you," to Kurt - swoon.
Kim Kardashian getting married? Well there you go Kim, you can stop complaining on the series now!! I love her don't get me wrong, but she just hated being single so I am glad she found her happiness finally.
Well that's enough ranting and raving. Love xo.

Monday, May 23, 2011

A Case of the "I Wants"

Yup, I want a kitten. I just do!! My bff Mary knows a guy who is trying to give away kittens and we went and saw them yesterday. Yea... I'm obsessed. Look at the little buggers:



My mom is being so stubborn though. All she says is, "Jess, I'm not taking care of another animal right now." Okay, first of all I'm 24 years old, I can take care of a cat! Cats are like the easiest animal to take care of. They are so independent. She's like, "When you move out you can get whatever you want." Well I'm not moving for a while, so that won't work out well. I'm obsessed with them I really am. Not sure how to talk her into it haha. Maybe I'll just bring one home and hide it in my closet haha.. jk jk.. but really!


Have a great Monday!! xo.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again


Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
Phantom of the Opera


You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered
Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could
Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say, "Goodbye"
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say, "Goodbye"
Help me say, "Goodbye"


Lately I've been having a really hard time with the death of my father. I think it's been so hard because it's finally setting in that he's never coming home. I try to act brave, but it does hit me. It really resurfaced because of Glee this week. Sue's sister died and she wrote something so beautiful to her sister but was so broken she couldn't read it. The Glee club did the whole funeral and it was beautiful. I don't know, I think I realized I haven't let myself feel all the way. I don't know if I want to though. It can be a crippling feeling; it was that night. I sat on my iTunes and made a playlist in memory of Greg and I was like sobbing like a baby. This song came on - Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again and it really hit hard. Weird actually because Phantom of the Opera was one of the plays my mom and Greg went and saw the most. They used to love it! They gave me this music box that played Angel of Music and so I've always known it. So when this song came on, I was like whoa... It pretty much defined how I felt in that moment because I would do anything to hear his voice again. I realized I hadn't heard his real voice in so long because the disease was taking that away from us as well. I can still call his answering machine, his work one, and hear his normal voice. It's like hearing a memory - and it reminded me of PS: I love you when she keeps calling her husbands voicemail. I hate to admit it, but I kept calling it... I just don't want to forget. I don't want to forget him and I feel like part of me is already forgetting things. I'm deserperately trying to grab on to anything I can, but it's harder than I thought it would be. It's been three weeks since Greg's death and it still feels like it happened yesterday. It's weird how the world just goes on after and people keep living their life. My mom is having such a hard time and I wish I could help her. She keeps buying all these books like "Finding Happiness Again," written by other widowers and things, but I feel like it's just depressing her more. I guess time heals wounds, but I'm afraid time will never fill this missing void in our hearts.


Miss you Greg.
I wish I could hear your voice again.
I am going to keep trying and hopefully make you proud.
Give me the strength to try.
I need it.


xo.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Birthday Recap


Attempt to look sexy at 24 - did it work? Naaa, ha I'll always be a dork and proud of it! I must say though, I'm loving the fact my hair is getting longer again. Like this length.

My 24th birthday was fantastic - it was sad because I really was thinking of my step-daddy a lot, but I know he was with me, just as he was with me at my graduation. I wouldn't be where I'm at today without him, so I really need to recognize that fact. I didn't go out to the bar or anything, but instead hung with those who are dear to me! My birthday I went out shopping all day with my mommy and lunch and then that night went with my dad, step-mom and brothers to Log Haven; it's so beautiful up there!!
The cake was practically the best part: oreo-better-batter ice-cream cake from Maggie Moo's, people, this cake is to die for. I don't even like cake, but I do love ice-cream cake and this was a little bite of heaven every time. I seriously would go down stairs at midnight and start eating it, oh boy... pants getting tight, but well worth it!! I found my kryptonite. Then my mom, my Aunt, Uncle, Grandmother (Yiayia) and cousins went to Texas Roadhouse. Simply amazing!! They have the greatest steaks and the sweet potato which is loaded with cinnamon, butter and marsh mellows is to die for!! My cute cousin burned every soundtrack from Glee for me and they gave me the first season. My other cousin bought me the Justin Bieber movie because we saw it and thought he was adorable - it's funny I'm getting more weird with age. Oh well!! Then the cousins went to go see Thor, not sure if I loved it or not. But the guy was sexy and I love Natalie Portman so there you go. Actually, he reminded me of a character from my favorite book series, Rhage from Black Dagger Brotherhood. Mmmhmm. Finally!! It also made me excited to start writing more, which I have been doing lately!
Great birthday and weekend - I'm a happy camper. I'm not however, excited to go back to school starting tomorrow! I know it's deceiving, yes I graduated... sort of. I'm technically graduating in the summer but I walked in the spring because they only do two ceremonies! I'm pretty much done, just a special education class and then math... blah... but I think I'll do better in the summer. They are ten times easier and the teacher is way cooler than my last one -yuck.


xo.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Epic

Yes, I'm referring to The Vampire Diaries and I don't even care!! It ended even better than I thought it would, mainly because of: Delena. Poor Damon was dying the whole episode, and all he wanted was Elena's forgiveness. She wouldn't at first... but that was before she heard he was dying. After though, she never left his side. He admitted he loved her again and she forgave him and told him she like liked him just the way he was. She even KISSED HIM! Yes, you heard right. I was seriously jumping up and down in front of the TV. Then I sadly realized, I get that excited about a fictional relationship; need to work on my own! Ha. Here are DELENA scenes.
Kind of sad though, because Stefan was able to save Damon by getting the cure from none other than the villan Klaus... the sad part? He became Stefan the Ripper once again. Klaus knew he was weak and couldn't drink human blood, but he forced him in order to give the cure. Stefan sacrificed all of this for his brother. Now he's evil, and ten times hotter. But it's nice because he left with Klaus, so I hope Delena happens for most of season 3!!
I also hung out with a bunch of girls last night and we went and saw Bridesmaids. Holy crap it was hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time... I needed it!! Definitely a birthday celebration woot woot. Definitely get your girls together and go see it. Have a great rest of your weekend!! xo.
PS: What happened to blogger? My birthday post kept disappearing and now all the comments that everyone left are gone as well :( Boo. Thanks for the birthday wishes though.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

TV Obsession

Yes, it is no surprise that I'm obsessed with TV shows and I usually go in spurts of what I'm obsessed with. Sadly my Gossip Girl obsession is nearly gone all together - that show just got way too repetitive and too much like OC. I miss LOST a lot because that show kept me confused and on my feet... but the greatest show of all in my opinion is the Vampire Diaries. I just don't understand how they can have so many twists and turns - they surprise me at the strangest moments and I try to figure things out, and get it oh so wrong. The last episode was amazing but definitely a tear-jerking. It actually hit home for me because Elena's aunt, her only caregiver, is killed. The graveyard scene really made me sad. I was feeling all sentimental yesterday, and visited my step-dad at his grave. Just so surreal. But anyways here are some pictures of my favorites during this episode. The season finale is actually on my birthday May 12 (Thursday), how crazy is that?? Damon was bit my a werewolf, none other than the sexy Tyler Lockwood and I swear to God if he dies... I'm no longer watching VD. Plus, Elena and Damon need to happen. It's time and I want to see a real kiss. I also like how Elena wasn't turned into a vampire: too much like Twilight if you ask me... and I've already had that obsession! Tyler and Caroline are adorable as well. I didn't put any pictures up, but one of my favorite scenes is a Delena scene of course, and Damon is carrying Elena's body into a safe house and tells her that if she comes back a vampire he'll stake her himself because "I can't stand the idea of you hating me forever." He knows he's dying, but all he wants is her forgiveness. The next episode is going to be so intense. I love the brotherly love between the Salvatore brothers as well.



Here is a picture for Thursday's episode... they probably want us to "think" they are going to kiss, but they won't. I'm crossing my fingers. Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev would make the most beautiful couple I've ever seen and wowza do they have sexual chemistry!!! Definitely makes me want a boy of my own!

I also love love love Glee!! Especially the music and Darren Criss aka Blaine. Tonight's episode is the Prom episode and I cannot wait; seeing Blaine in a suit? Yes please. Hopefully their prom goes better than mine was ;)
The song Jar of Hearts sang by Rachel is my new favorite!!! Love it! Another song I'm obsessed with though is Skinny Love by Birdy which was sung during the grave scene in Vampire Diaries! Check them out.

I must say it's hilarious that most girls do blog posts about fashion and I write details for TV shows - I'm just not that girly... sure I like fashion, but I like other things a lot more if you couldn't already tell. Whoops! Have a great Tuesday.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Time To Remember

The past two weeks have kind of moved as a blur: first the death of my step-father and then graduation on Friday. Graduating college is definitely something to be proud of, and even though I'm technically graduating in the summer, I walked with my fellow friends. Mitch Albom spoke at my graduation; he wrote "Tuesdays with Morrie," "Five People You Meet in Heaven," and more. I had read Tuesdays with Morrie back in the day, but I didn't even remember what disease Morrie was dying from... when Mitch told the story at my graduation and said that his old professor who was so dear to his heart died from ALS, I felt my heart drop into my stomach. I tried to be strong... but I failed and started crying. My good friend Christen knew that I just had recently lost my father to ALS so she started hugging me and we joined hands. His speech was one of the most amazing things I've ever heard and I'll never forget it. I know it's weird to say, but I feel like that speech was meant for me. I was meant to hear it and when I did all I could think about was my step-father Greg and that comforting feeling that he was by my side. He wanted to be there for me... and he was. I miss him so much but I know he's in a better place. I'm actually reading a book right now called Heaven is for Real and oh my God it's amazing. It's about a four year old little boy named Colton who had a near-death experience and told his parents all about heaven and how wonderful it was. The book literally gives me chills when I read each page and it honestly gives me such warm feelings in my heart. I like knowing that heaven is out there and it's a beautiful place. Of course I've always believed and had faith, but my faith has definitely wavered these past few years. I know that's when you need to be strong, but it was hard for me when I saw Greg suffering the way he was. But heaven does exist and I know Greg is there and he's healthy and happy, with our loved ones who have passed. I will always remember my graduation as long as I will live. I'm so proud of myself because these years have been anything but easy, but I still accomplished my goal of getting a degree. College has definitely been the best time for my life and I'm happy to see what's in store for my future. Here are some pictures from graduation. My childhood friend Mike is in a lot of them because he graduated too; I've known him since first grade and our two mom's were friends in high school so it's this friendship that has lasted over the years! So special to me. His mother Nancy is the sweetest woman you'll ever meet (besides my mom of course) and she is also battling something that is beyond unfair: she's had cancer for 5 years and it won't leave her alone. I pray for her constantly and hope God sends life her wife. I also have a picture with my Pi Phi's that are in my pledge class - we've come a long way with one another. And then a picture of me and my closest cousin's Alaina and Nicole that I talk about a lot. Like I said... very special day and that is only a few pictures out of the millions!





Also wanted to send a shout out to my mom: "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOMMY, you deserve a wonderful day more than anyone I know. You are my rock and my hero. You are an angel in my eyes. I love you."