Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Born To Be Wild

Not an ordinary day that's for sure. Sometimes life surprises you, in the best possible ways. Here is the story. So today I was on facebook and I went on my little brother's page to find some pictures - observe:

I couldn't believe how cute this baby deer was. I thought Justin had seen it at a fair or something; then something occurred to me: the wallpaper. I knew that wallpaper, I recognized that wallpaper. That was at my Dad's house. So I text my brother and my step-mom Kim, and say, "Um...is there a pet deer at the house?" Kim called right back and confirmed the answer was YES.

My brother other brother and his friends were fishing, when they saw this baby deer half-alive. Landon said he was really dehydrated and wouldn't even more. At first they thought he was dead...but he was still breathing. They waited all day to see if the mother would return; she didn't. So they did what teens do: they don't think. They brought the deer back to SLC and took it to a friend's house. The friend's family said "no way," so my brother being the sweetie he was, took it in even though taking the deer wasn't his idea.

They kept calling him Sunny D and Landon told me it's because in the car, all he had was Sunny Delight and so he kept putting a dab of it on his finger and fed it to the baby who loved it and wanted more; the name obviously stuck. To me his name is Bambi :) Hello...I love Disney movies, how could I resist??

Kim said they were trying everywhere to take it: the zoo, the wildlife reserve, Wheeler Farm, etc. Nowhere would take him and the wildlife division actually had the nerve to say they'd put him to sleep. Didn't have the time or the means to take care of him which I think is absolutely ridiculous! He's just an innocent baby and my heart goes out to him because what if his mother is still alive and searching? But luckily they found a nice place for Sunny D to go in Spanish Fork Utah where a woman, regarded by the wildlife division (big of them), agreed to take him in. She is going to feed and nurse him, and when he's old enough, he will be set back in the wild. These animals aren't house pets and they are born to be wild. If anyone saw that movie with the baby elephants and orangutans, that was the thoughts were going on in my head!

 But before they took Sunny D where he belongs, I went over and played with him, because hello...when will I get an opportunity to play with a week old deer again? Honestly, Sunny D aka Bambi, was the cutest thing I've ever seen. So tiny and his ears were huge! The spots were covering his body and he was as soft as a baby blanket. I even picked him up and he was so light! I actually bonded with him and my brothers and step-mom definitely did after staying up an entire night feeding him from a bottle which was filled with goat's milk.
I hope he lives a safe and happy life! Love you Sunny D!! But this is important that sometimes you need to leave nature alone and let the course of life unfold itself however it may be.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

True Blood

First of all, I want to say thank you to those who commented on my last post; it meant a lot and I really appreciate it! Sometimes you have those days that are worse than others, and that's what that was. Things have been looking up though, or maybe it's just my attitude has changed. I'm not going to sit here and say everything from now on will be 100% better, but like I said...things are looking up. I'm going to take each day as it comes. Those comments were really heartfelt and I took the words you all wrote to heart.

Secondly, yes...I'm now a big fan of True Blood. I watched it when it first came out and loved season 1 (it was out on DVD by then). But then once season 2 came out, I realized, "Crap, I don't have HBO." So I somewhat forgot about it. But when I was house sitting for my dad, I got caught up because they have HBO and then people posted the new episodes on YouTube!! It's not my ultimate favorite show like Vampire Diaries is, but I like how there are no restrictions on the show. It actually reminds me of one of my favorite book series that I talk about frequently: Black Dagger Brotherhood. Definitely adult fiction, but it's nice to see a change of pace.

I think it's cute that Sookie and Bill are married in real life, but I'm sorry...she is so much better with Eric. I don't know what it is, the typical romances bore me, I like the romances that are more challenging and they build with time. That's what is going on with Eric and Sookie. Oh and Eric is so sexy! Wow!! I still love Damon Salvatore the most, but for a blond...like I said WOW. I actually liked in the first season when his hair was long...for some odd reason. He was more mysterious and it was more vamp-like in my opinion. I like the hold Sookie has over him; very intriguing.
 Normal life...um yea...no words. He looks so good on this cover! He would look even better with darker hair!
 But with those positives, there are some things I don't like about the show: I don't like how they cry blood (it creeps me out), sometimes it's a little too much to watch - they go overboard on what they show, this is going to be weird and sad that I know this much about vamps...but I don't like how their fangs come out next to the two front teeth; should come out in the canine teeth. But it is accurate that they cannot go in the sunlight at all - I like that they stick to the truth with that even though I do like on Vampire Diaries that they have those rings.

I think sometimes though, that the vampire franchise is going a little overboard. I loved vampires back in the day since Interview with a Vampire with Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise and I was definitely a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan. Yes, I love Twilight, but before there were cool vampires too. It's just crazy that because of Twilight, it's taken off the way it has. I should probably read the True Blood book series because I've heard it's good, but seriously read: Black Dagger Brotherhood by J.R Ward. It's really refreshing because it's nothing like I've read before. It portrays vampires in a way that does them justice, yet it's so different that it shocks you! Which by the way, I wrote something to the author J.R Ward last night, and she actually wrote me back! I'm sorry but I think that's awesome. It's like having J.K Rowling write you a letter...okay, maybe not that exciting, but it's pretty far up there. Which speaking of...Harry Potter comes out SO soon! So sad it's the end, but I'm sure I'll have a post about that soon enough.

Ha, I love how my blogs aren't like others. Most girls talk about fashion and what not, and I do love fashion don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be the dork I am and review things I'm really interested in; whether that may be writing, books, movies, TV shows, etc. So stay tuned ;)

Have a good Tuesday!! xo.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Missing Stepping Stone

Have you ever just felt plain lost? I really do my best to stay upbeat, but sometimes you get knocked over when you are already down. I'm trying to stay afloat the best I can, but it's not good enough. I need to change the pattern of my life because the way I'm living right now is not making me happy. I feel like every day when I go to sleep that something is missing. What kind of life is that? It shouldn't be that way. Working out and getting healthy has made me feel physically well, but it's the loneliness that has taken vacancy in my life. I know I've done a lot of it to myself; friends want to hang out, people want to surround themselves around me...but I just don't want to do what they want to do anymore. I have changed. I'm not the same "J-Ruud" they once knew. And that's alright. I don't think people usually go through what I have had to dealt with in the last two years. Watching someone you love more than anything, fade away and finally lose the ongoing battle. And then deal with things that I've done to myself "my mistakes" yet they are learning experiences I know. Yet all they do is eat away at me. I try to better myself, and they keep biting me in the ass. I just want to wake up and feel excited to be alive. I want that feeling I once had. I am doing everything in my power to gain it back...but it won't come to me. What do I do? I'm at an utter loss and I know the stepping stone to my fate is missing. Plus, I know it's lame, but a good friend of mine...a best friend actually, has left me behind. I'm not sure when it happened or why, but it has. Not sure how to fix it. But once again she has left me behind and it hurts. Well it did hurt. Now I feel a type of numbness to it that cannot be good. Just in a dark place and I want to see my light again. That light that brightens up a room and makes you feel whole again. I know others have a lot more to deal with and are going through so much, but my heart truly feels broken. I think part of it is that I'm still dealing with the loss of a loved one. I miss my step-father so badly and when I stop and think about it, I get angry. I know death happens, but it isn't fair. Maybe that's what this is. I haven't let myself go through all the emotions that a person goes through when someone dies. But I feel like I've been jipped in the scheme of things. Greg was so amazing and I need him. I wanted him to walk me down the aisle one day...I wanted my children to know this person that shaped me into the person I am today. And more than anything, I don't want my mother to be alone. She has been through so much in her life and she deserves to have happiness, but all she can see is a life alone. What do you say to someone going through that? All I can do is put my arms around her and tell her it will be okay...but I feel like a criminal because part of me, a big part, doesn't really believe that. I'm not sure if it will ever be okay. We are dealing with a new normal and sometimes it's too overwhelming. I just need a new path, a new direction. I need to be inspired and I'm desperately looking for it; where is it? Probably what I need to do is stop looking all together. It will find me I suppose. Until then, I'll try to stay level and carry on.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Soaking Up the Sun

I know it's bad for your skin, really bad, but I love soaking up the sun. I do wear sunscreen I promise! I just love the feel of the warm sunlight on my face...especially after our strange Utah weather we've had this year. It's beginning to feel like Summer and I am "soaking" it up as much as I can.

I realized today as I looked at the blue sky above, how much I truly love summer. There is just so much to do, especially outdoors. Camping + me = really have fun together, and I'm sad to say I haven't been in like two years...I always used to go to Bear Lake; it was our family place to go! I have been going there since I was five years old. What's not to love? They have the bluest water (besides Greece), raspberry shakes that are to die for, nice people, and plenty to do. But once my step-dad got sick, we stopped going. It will always remind us of him and I told my mom it should be our tribute going there and remembering him and the good memories. We could go on his birthday or Father's Day, or even the day he died. Just some way of thinking of him and still going somewhere we love.

Here are some pictures that represent what I love about summer:
 It's just the beginning of a great adventure. Happy Thursday lovies! xo.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Summer Snaps

 Here are a bunch of pictures that have been part of my Summer 2011 so far. They involve:
  • Brother's Graduation
  • Snake in my yard
  • Playing on the playground with my cousin
  • Sunset on Father's Day
  • Tuscany Ceiling
  • Pets at my Dad's house
  • Me :)

I love going on adventures, especially during the summertime!! So happy, one of my summer classes ended tonight! So that only leaves math = take two! Oh well. Things are going swell. Good night :)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day

Dear Daddy,

     Thank you for being such an amazing father and a man. I really look up to you in everything that you do and have accomplished. You have done so well for yourself and you are always behind me and supporting me, even through these past two years which have been difficult for a number of reasons. Thanks for standing by me and holding my hand when I have been scared. You believe in me and want to help me follow my dreams; that means the world to me! I love you. Happy Father's Day.

Love Always,

Jess


Dear Greg,

     Writing this isn't as easy as writing my dad's. You are my other father, my mentor and my friend. I actually have spent more time with you growing up than my own dad. To me the word (step) means nothing; you are my father. Your strength is what I admired the most about you and that's even before you had ALS. You were the most independent man I'd ever met and you started a business by yourself. So many people looked up to you and thought of you. They still say what a privilege it was to have known you, and I agree with that. I've had a hard time lately Greg; you being gone is really starting to sink in. You aren't coming home. And the pain from that realization is enough to take my breath away. But you were in my life and I am thankful for that. You taught me so much and you told me to "never settle; never forget what you're worth." That is advice that I will take with me for the rest of my life. You were never disappointed in me when I made the mistakes I did, instead you taught me to learn and move forward from life's barriers. I still get angry when I think you were diagnosed with such a disgusting disease; it doesn't make sense to me and it never will. But you wouldn't want me wasting time being angry. Instead you would want me to look forward at my future with both arms wide open; ready to go on life's long adventure. You also taught me that life is short and you don't know when it can all be taken away -- I won't sit and let life pass me by, not anymore. I want to live fully and I want to follow my dreams. You told me how proud of me you were (one of your final words to me) and I am going to spend the rest of my life making you proud Greg. So Happy Father's Day my father; you are extremely missed, but you are loved and thought about daily. Thank you for being my inspiration in life. You are my hero.

Love you forever,

Jess

    

To all the other fathers out there: HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!
xo.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Let's Get Healthy!

So lately I feel like I'm been down on myself and with life...so instead of just reading positive books, I'm going to get healthy. I used to Greek Dance for about 7 years and it was the greatest workout in the world. But I'm not doing it anymore, so getting my butt into gear to workout is like taking a math test. It's so hard to get motivated, but guess what? I got motivated!! I have worked out every single day this week and I cannot believe what a difference it makes. I've also started eating healthier (a lot more veggies and a lot less carbs). I have always lost weight, but I feel like I wasn't always doing it the "correct" way. I would eat less and work out, but the moment you start eating more, the weight comes right back on. But by monitoring exactly what you are putting in your mouth and keeping up with exercise, well it makes all the difference in the world. Also, drinking a lot of water a day truly does make a difference. Of course you always hear that and try your best, but then you have to pee like crazy. GET OVER IT! You feel fantastic. And it's weird, the moment I started being healthy, I just felt better about everything. It was like I took a positive training seminar or something, but I didn't. I'm sleeping 10 times better and I'm just happy and less stressed. So overall, I would say this week is a huge success.
Something I have had to keep in mind also is that it's not just about getting "skinny" and I think that's what I was doing wrong all the other times. I just wanted to see fast results and I feel like when people get into that mode, that's when you become anorexic or bulimic. I could never do that; I love food way too much! But you need to love yourself. That's something I've been really working with. You need to be proud of your body and work to make the better YOU. You are special and this is the body God gave you, so make the best of it and stop whining (mostly message to myself).

Week One = Success!!
Now let's just go to the beach and work out and I'd be even more of a happy camper!!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Blackbird

Love. This. Song.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Ready To Live

Sometimes you honestly have to be reminded how short life really is. I heard that last Tuesday, a girl named Brynn Barton was riding her bike and hit by a car. The car just drove away leaving her there dying. She was still alive and they called an ambulance, which she later died in. No, I didn't know her personally, but a lot of my friends were friends with her. They only have wonderful things to say about her. Apparently she touched the lives of so many and went to Africa numerous times to help the children and families out. I honestly hope the person that hit her and just left her dying in the road, is thinking to themselves how horrible of an act they committed. Accidents do happen, and maybe they truly didn't see her (even though she had all the night gear on), but just do drive away and leave the poor 24 year old lying there rips me apart.


I also saw on Friday, Soul Surfer. The movie was beyond inspirational and amazing. If you don't already know the story, Bethany Hamilton was only 13 years old living in Hawaii where she was born to be a surfer. One day while surfing, she was attacked by a shark and it took her arm from her. Not even in the hospital, did she feel sorry for herself. She was brave and still wanted to get back up on the surf board. That takes courage, more than that in my opinion. She wouldn't let that obstacle stand in her way and she has made such an impact to everyone worldwide. I bought the book Soul Surfer which she wrote and that was what inspired the movie...let me tell you, it's amazing. She has such faith in God and hope that she can make a difference. Well Bethany, you have. You opened my eyes. 

After my step-dad was diagnosed with ALS, I began to realize how short life truly is. Why have I let opportunities pass me by? What's the point? Sometimes I care about what people think of me and I come to realize in these type of situations, how stupid that really is. Be yourself. Be proud of who you are. That's a lesson I really need to understand. Sometimes you do need to see these situations for what they truly are. I don't want to waste anymore time. I want to truly live, even if the past year was one of the hardest of my life for a lot of personal reasons. I'm trying to move past certain areas and I keep beating myself up for mistakes I've made. That is life and I'm a better person because of these barriers life threw my way; in my path.


So thank you Brynn and Bethany, for showing the courage and grace you did. You lived life fully and so did you Greg. I'm going to take these examples of living life and apply it to myself. I'm ready to live.


I'm ready to live.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Reminiscing












I cant help but to get a little sentimental as I add all my old pictures on my new laptop. Sometimes I really miss the old days; sometimes I miss it so badly it hurts. I feel like I was such a different person back then. I've been through so much the last year, that it forced me to grow up sooner than I would have liked. I just pictured my life going so differently. Not trying to be negative, but seriously it scares me sometimes. Yes I am practically done with college doing what I love: teaching. And if I hadn't of gone through what I had, I might have never wanted to pursue writing a novel. So in those aspects, my life is quite positive. But I look at my social life which has dwindled to nothing. It's so sad but it's so true. I know it's my fault; I removed myself from other's life because watching someone die on a daily basis, changes the way you look at the world. I no longer wanted to go out and party like I used to. Listen to friends constantly say, "I'm so fat - blah blah blah!" Well least you can move your arms and legs - bitter I know, but still I keep thinking of ALS and what it took from my step-dad. The dating situation hasn't made me an happier. I dated pretty much a crazy guy last year and I'm still dealing with that baggage even though I checked out...um last year! I just want to meet Mr. Right, or a guy who is worth knowing and spending time with. I know you learn something from every relationship, but so far I haven't met one worthwhile. 


But looking at these pictures, I've realized I've been truly blessed. I've gone to places no one will ever get the chance to go to - so I need to look at it that the adventure is not over...it's just beginning and what I've been through has paved this path for me. I'm stronger than I used to be and the experiences I've gained has led me where I am. I will have the future I've always wanted. 

xo.